Unsettled Journey

2007-08-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

The end of one and the beginning of the other...

I decided to give this blog a rest...for a very long time and start anew with Xanga instead.

http://www.xanga.com/se3keR

In every way, this blog mean a lot to me as the only channel for me to express my thoughts, my dissatisfaction, my struggles and yet I felt it is time to get a new blog. Not that there is anything special or different with the new blog but I felt I needed something new, something fresh...hope you guys will pay a visit to my new blog...

2007-07-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

When everyone are busy....

It has been a while since I took time off to read articles and blogs. I guess I was always caught in that position where I don't seem to have enough time. Well, maybe this is what happen when one procrastinate their work. I'm one of those last minute people....haha!
But then I realized that almost all my close buddy seem to be busy with their lives.
It was then that I felt that I've not been interested in the lives of those who are left out in the community, people who couldn't really fit into the society anymore. Probably I don't really have that much time anymore especially as I grow into this stage of life where everyone seems to be busy somehow. Or maybe it was because of the expectation that I set for myself that is way beyond what I could do.
Anyway a simple phenomena that I had seen around me....not just around me, maybe even part of me. That most of us are selfish people that think about the good for ourselves and neglect the others. We only care for those who somehow give us benefits or are good to us as well...or have something to offer to us in return for our good towards them. While it is only normal that most people think in such a way yet I felt that we are called to something more than that.
Just the other day there was a farewell for a close friend of mine, Alicia and I wonder what is close the next minute. Will this friendship be as it is after a few more months? How will things change??
We are all busy with our lives...as we are caught by our selfish desires. Maybe this is where the words of Jesus came in true....that when we are dead to ourselves that we truly live.
While that challenge may seem impossible to us, I hope it manage to make you feel uncomfortable with what you are already doing or what you are not doing. The selfish nature is part of us yet I believe everyone of us knew that there is something more than what we want in life. And I hope that it would move us into a new dimension of exploring God and lives itself. Beyond religion itself...beyond the great sermons and words of knowledge but to take a bit of your time to just look at the people that you somehow neglected be it because you are busy or you don't bother at all....Look into their lives and see how much good one could do if one really put their heart into it.

If we are all too busy what would this world be??
I guess that's all for now....still got lots of stuff to do...haha!

2007-06-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I writing anything in my blog.
Was wondering what is the purpose of writing down these thoughts.
These thoughts are only perspective seen at this present time and when time moves on, all these becomes void. When the present moves into the future, it becomes the past and enters into a dimension where it cannot be recovered. The present remains to be what is it that I could see while the future remains as a hidden mystery that seem too BIG for me.
As the days continue to slowly move on, I realized that Form 6 is coming to an end. A new phase in life is about to come into picture.
Is it going to be a picture of a hero trying to save the world, or a picture of a selfish jerk trying to gain more, or is it going to be a picture of a man without any direction in life or a picture of a man allowing growth to take place on its own pace?
A lot of beautiful memories come into picture as I allowed my past to fill my thoughts...
What kind of world will this be as I move on?
A lot of things are in my head but none of it seem to be coming out completely. It is all in parts and it is like a puzzle with some missing pieces.
Just trying to think what is next...will blogging still be very part of me??

2007-06-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

My dedication to my best friend.

It has been quite a while that I played this song to my friend on his birthday. If we hold on together.

I was reminded of the good memories I had in the past and sometimes moving on is really not that easy. To move on from where I am, saying goodbye with some of the closest friend I ever had and to meet up with new people...for me the moving on part is something that I find myself struggling to do it. Looking back at how this journey started with these bunch of friends, carrying this dream with me to build a better community and going through it with new friends and how problems come in here and there. Some of the goodbyes are really painful. It is probably those friendship that tore my spirit...my enthusiasm...
I look through the video today and I've seen how much life has changed for many of us yet something stays the same. The memories we shared, the love we poured out for one another and many of the friendship will not change even though we might not be together all the time like we used to.

I knew that I'm tired at the moment yet I knew the good thing is there are many who will hold my hand and go through this journey with me.

2007-05-29T04:06:00.000-07:00

TRIBUTE TO THE CHAMPIONS...

Manchester United, EPL winner of 2007

Some players in the past...

Eric Cantona...a player that inspire United in his time...

David Beckham...who would have forgotten such stars...together with the many others...Butt, Keane, Giggs, Neville, Yorke, Cole, Schmeichel...in their famous treble....

Find another better team with such quality...basically there is none...now that Manchester United won the EPL again this year, a new stars are born...ready to repeat that famous win again...

After revisiting the past, let's come to the current team...but before that, here is a selection of songs for the CHAMPION.

Now for some 2007 actions....

Ronaldo...Player of the Year...an absolutely awesome performance this year...

These young guns are hungry for more victories...bad news for the other teams...

Getting better every year...

New faces, different football style (without Beckham, United would not be going for long ball...LOL!)

How else better to prove themselves as one of the BEST than to beat ROMA in such a way?

Final score: Manchester Utd 7 - 1 Roma

2007-05-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Not everyday I call someone my mui mui. Anyway today just got a mui mui for myself...so just wanted to put it into my blog. Well, it's just a special space that I could give her...=P

Well, great to have a sis like you...=P

Having fun in OXYGEN...haha!

2007-05-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

Tired of being ME....I looked at what I've done today...felt tired of the need to stay strong. I knew I was frustrated with a lot of issues in my life. Family, friendship, Christianity, studies, love, future career, financial wise...all are in a mess.
People said father-son relationship normally becomes better when one enter into young adulthood as one is trying to seek what it means to be a man. As for me, things don't seem to be any better at the moment.
Friendship don't seem to be as it used to be. I've lost friends, found new ones, stick with some until now...and yet I realized things have become different. Maybe I've changed. I'm not as open as I used to be. So many things are kept inside me...the sharing part don't seem to be fully sincere anymore. I tried to approach to what my ex-principal, Mr Louis called...the last, lost and the least yet the more I gave of myself, the more I find that there is to be done and I really am running out of steam sooner than I thought I would. Some friends are there when I needed them...some are not there...some don't even care....some shed tears with you but that's where it all ended. I saw the need in the lives of my friends...I tried to help...I did what I could...yet I wonder how many actually bother if I care or not? How many even realized that this friend of theirs are also human being who constantly go through the same struggle as they did and maybe even far worse? Friendship...how does it look like? I remembered how awesome my class is...USS1 but seriously even these new family couldn't break that wall within me...the empty part within me that kills me bit by bit everyday. I'm only a man, a lonely man who travels in this journey inviting as many to join me in creating a better community yet I found myself falling far apart from where this dream should be heading towards.
Christianity...finding it hard to connect with Christians at times. Worship, preaching...how does it work anymore? Is God just as big as this? Probably the most disappointing time for me is when I felt that the church has forgotten about the small community I've been part of ever since I entered my teenage years. The cell groups that work together to create the spark and fire in the Youth Group were just left out....maybe even until today I could not find myself saying from the bottom of my heart that "It's ok" because I knew I felt something is terribly wrong here...and for me to still be going to the church and seeing people with BIG SMILES, I found myself having to keep all of it inside me...I really don't know where God is at these times.
Studies been getting worse each day and I knew all the blames go back to me myself for spending too much time on other things.
Love...I really don't know how it looks like anymore ever since the heart breaking time I went through the whole of last year. Am I now playing this game of love myself since the rule seems a lil too easy to follow as long as I don't pour out my heart but what is love anymore?
I'm tired...depressed...angry....yet time don't seem to wait for me...it keeps moving...
Maybe this is life indeed...full of ups and downs, sometimes all at the same time...

2007-05-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

I was just looking at the Youtube for nice songs and suddenly remembered that my friend has uploaded my class marching in Youtube. Haha! I watched it again and again and again...and seriously, what's more happy than being with your classmates together, achieving something that other people could only envy at. Being in St Michael, the class marching is part of our culture and one that probably most of us would hold dearly in our hearts. During those marching practice, it is a great opportunity to be closer to your classmates. People like Chen Dong, Yen Leng, Pei Yin, Wei Lam, Hon Meng, Moses and many others. Probably one of the greatest joy being in my school for Form 6 is to be in class uss1. The class that is full of diversity yet with great unity. I don't know any other better way to describe this happening group of people but that we're part of a big family. So decided to put the class marching inside my blog as well. Enjoy k? The best class from SMI!
"Tonight we dine in HELL!" LOL!

2007-05-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

I looked through some of the blogs of my friend and I realized how much I've failed as a friend to many. Looking through my phone list today, I've seen names that I've not even smsed once for quite some time. Are they still my friend? Am I still interested to be part of their lives?

I read a very interesting blog that my friend posted long long time ago. I suppose she forgot about it herself. And seriously it's been a while since I have a long chat with her and our group of friends. I don't know what else better to tell these people than I'm sorry for not being a sincere friend. Not sincere enough to know them...not enough to care for them. Although I realized that I couldn't be friends to everyone yet I knew that sometimes I was not even making an effort for these people...people that I claimed to love.
There were times that I was more interested in my own life...(which is probably normal) yet I felt that I should look beyond just me...it's not just about me...no doubt it's important as well.
The words that I find it difficult to describe about myself...selfishness...I felt that was so much part of me...probably it's really a learning process for me, to become a better person, a better Christian, a better friend...and probably while others expect me to go one mile, it's only love that would motivates me to go the extra mile.

To those that I've neglected, a humble reflection taught me to be sincere in being a friend and in the words that I said...
I asked a friend today...HOW CAN I TACKLE A GIRL?? He told me sometimes when you love someone, you can't use too much of your brains. I realized that I was too prideful...too selfish...too afraid of hurt that I no longer give my all at times...it's a time for a change...a need for a consistency in loving...and loving from the heart.

This posting from my friend reminded me of such a wonderful friendship that I had...yet I failed to make any progress out of it because I wasn't putting in effort as a friend. I just wanted to apologize and said thank you for being such an awesome friend to me. You guys will remain special to me no matter what takes place ahead...

Heyz~

WOW!! my 1st entry ^-^ okiez..tell me tell u sumthing real funni~ a Few days ago..i went to da OASIS CONFERENCE!! met alots of new frenz!! ^.^

so last sat nite, da 4 of us; Me, Eugene, James, & Kian Hin were hangin out in da lobby!! we crapped n laughed till ous sides hurt...we onli went to bed at 1.40 in da morning!! its very "early", ya knoe??

so da nez nite...sun nite...i decided to call Charity to join us..at first there's this guy, Liang Hin, told us ELEPHANT JOKEZ!! lotz of em...he muz be an ELEPHANT LOVER!! LOL~ so after he left...da 5 of us juz naturally dump our stuff [name tags, room keyz, hps etc etc] on da table...n sat REAL COMFORTABLY on da armchairs...at first we had nth to talk bout...REAL QUIET!! so we went into serious talk...it started out wid GURLZ~ then it went into MARRIAGE~ then into NAPPY TIME~ then into HOW FAST U CAN DRY UR CLOTHES~ then into OUR LOBBY ROOM...yes, we're beginning to sound crappier~

10 REASONS Y DA LOBBY IS DA BEST ROOM~

10. There're BIG armchairs which u dun see in da room

9. There's a HUGE mirror hanging on da wall unlikeda tiny one u see in da room!!

8. There's a BIG n SPARKLING CLEAN toilet fer more than one person!!

7. There's more plants in da lobby [more oxygen]

6. There's a HUGE AIR-CONDITIONER [da open windows let in da cool breeze]

5. There's a RESTAURANT next to da lobby

4. It's more spacious compared to da room

3. There's a table 4 u to rest ur legz!!

2. U dun haf to worry bout losing da room key

1. IT'S FREE!!!!

yEAP!! dun u juz agree?? so we've decided to call da lobby 'DE ROOM' our room...its onli fer da CHAT LAUGH CRAP-CLC club members...so da whole nite we juz crap n crap n crap till we lost track of time..we got so comfortable tat we sat in all kindz of positionz [ legz crozz on da chair, legz out-stretched on da table etc] suddenly da clock struck 4...no point goin to bed now huh?? so we juz stayed there...after a while we got bored so took a walk outside n watched da stars...at 6 we sneaked into our room to wash up...but da funni thing is..all of us had da same tot as we were in da bathroom.."aiya, y da water so freezin wan?? where's da hot water wen u need sum?? ish..nvmlerh da others all waitin downstairs fer me!!" so all of us had a real freezin shower...heh heh LOL!! SO FUNNI!!! so after tat we met in 'DE ROOM' dunno y i juz started misscallin ppl..after 1 ring, i hung up....b4 u know it..everyone is misscallin each other...hahahaha funnni~

Later we went to da pond, n there's juz NICE 5 stools fer us[ da 6th one is wet] it muz be fer da CLC members!! MUAHAHAHAHHA~ so dunno y...all of us juz stared at da fountain which is still asleep...we're sorta waiting fer it to wake up...so we waited n waited till we got bored of waiting n was bout to stand up wen da fountain FINALLY woke up!! so we CLAP n LAUGH cuz it was soo dumb!! then i said, " if not sleepin fer 1nite does this to u[actin real crazee], i dun wanna knoe wat will happen if u dun sleep fer 2 nitez!!" well, we're HAPPI!! n dats da BEST day ever~

What does it mean to be a friend? There are so much more for me to learn...am exciting to be part of those who're involved in my life. Will continue to walk this journey with you guys...and probably you'll see a better KIAN HIN...=P

2007-05-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

When you wanna talk about love, then the best way to do it is to learn to persevere with a big family and try to love more consistently...LOL!

part of the big family...

when you have more than just a family...receiving a phone calls...

who's the coolest?

me, cousin and brother..don't you know smile is great...lol!

wow! great!

me and my cousin...looking cool?

sometimes the same style might have different effect on different people...

brother and sister need not look alike...lol! one so good looking and another one...aih! LOL!

2007-05-05T03:22:00.000-07:00

Exam about to come to an end. One more exam...physics on Monday though. I felt tired. I knew I didn't do well in my Chemistry exam. What the heck! It's a foreign language to me....no one else to blame but me myself. Never really been studying. Laziness getting over me. Gosh! Need to repent and start on afresh. I promise a good performance for my STPM and the trials. Just wait and see...lol!
Anyway been thinking a lot about the past. About old crushes, old friendships, old lifestyle...and how things have changed. How I've become who I am today....love songs that mean a lot to me...beautiful memories...and many many more. But while I wanted to embrace the past, somehow I felt that I don't have the strength to hold on to it. Maybe the past has entered into an unrecoverable dimension...as the present lies in darkness with the future only a dream of mine.
Friends that have no longer been part of my life...friends that used to mean a lot to me...all of those are now only memories...I don't even know where are they and what they are doing.
Community that I used to spend hours with are now without any news...sometimes I wonder what are those times that we spent together.
Broken heart...ouch! I've had that enough...haha! time to move on maybe.
A look at the present......it's all so blur...so uncertain...where is the road I am taking....probably I could only said that I'm lost...lost in this fast moving world...trying to recapture some of the things of the past.

Alone...sometimes wanted this life to just be about me. Tired of always trying to be a hero.
What is success?? What is love?? What is it that matters to me?

Wondering around this small world of mine, I tried to figure out what is missing in life....everyday seeing more broken parts in humanity and stand in awe at how this CREATOR of us still love us....seeing us as us...weak and sinful.

Too much pain inside......with a big smile outside, walking through this life, giving love as much as I see myself as capable of. Sometimes selfish part of me took over...looking at it only emphasize the flesh in me.

Today I wonder what if the world I'm living in is not the reality...the missing part in this life testify to it. What if it was the dream that I had at night that is the reality of me within...what if the missing part is there because I thought this is how the system in this world to work...what if I myself have been absorbed into the crowd yet not realizing it.

2007-04-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

EEpoh MAli...get mai life kickin anew!!

(Intro)
Yo, this song’s close to the heart, it’s my hometown baby, representin’/Ipoh where you at?

(Chorus)
Ipohmali Ipoh Ipohmali/ I sing it loud and proud that’s who I be/
Cos’ small town dreams do come through/ so stand up and represent where you from too boo
Uh/ Ipohmali Ipoh Ipohmali/
I sing it loud and proud that’s who I be/
Cos’ small town dreams do come through so stand up and represent where you from too boo

(Verse 1)
Yo I was born and raised in a place/ where the hottest women come from /
Ipoh city/ that’s where I’ll always belong/ Don’t get me wrong yo/
I’m KL lite now/ Its just that my roots stay strong/
Growin’ up as a Ipoh chink kid representin’ it/ Ipoh Garden Eastside yo was the hood I was kickin’ it/
I grew up poor but I had the riches memories/ Wooley Food Centre rockin’ arcades religiously/ And after school/ me and my crew/ DFS would be-boy on the sidewalks in front of Fair Park shops/ And as my story drops/ I recollect I never had them fancy kicks, fancy clothes all I had was Hip Hop/
And peer pressure left me with a scar/cos' when kids were rockin’ Airwalks/I was rockin’ Bata/Back then/ I had nothin’ but a dream to be a rap star/
Now who would have thought this Ipoh chink would get this far?

Chorus 1x

(Verse 2)
Yo I’m a Ipohmali chinaman/ I represent/ small town kids havin’ big dreams so understand/ When I spit this rhyme yo’ I’m spittin’ it right/
My flows divine and miraculous givin’ the blind sight, haha
Back in the day circa ‘95/ In St. Michaels Church where I prayed for my life to get better/
So I can be mah’ family’s provider/ the answer/ was to audition for Poetic Ammunition’s replacement rapper/I dropped the beatbox blew Yogi B away/ got the record deal/ had a choice to make/ leave for KL or do I stay?/ Cos’ everybody sayin’ then bein’ a rapper don’t pay/ From Bingotown to Greentown I was strollin’/ contemplatin’ what mah’ life’s future would be holdin’/ Everybody I knew was all against it/ they said 16 yearold Ipoh kid will never make it/ But I/ persevered/ A boy with no fear/ I had hopes as high as Hotel Excelsior/ For years I proved my critics wrong/ that’s why I wrote this song to tell the world where I’m from cos’ I’m…….

Chorus 1x

(Bridge)
We Ipohmali baby here to show y’all what we got/
Never underestimate yourself/ cos’ you can make it/ no matter where you are/
It ain’t where you’re from but how you make it to the top/
Cos’ we are Ipohmali baby, here to show y’all what we got

To all mah’ peeps all down at JB/ Throw your hands up if y’all hear me/
To all mah cats down at KL city/ Holla at me if y’all hear me/
To all my pheng ew across the sea now/ Penang khia are y’all still down?/
And everybody across the nation/ you can make it just be patient/

(Verse 3)
Now flash forward to the present/ mah’ life at this point/
Nobody knows mah’ real name/ they all call me Point/
I’m an industry veteran/ 10 years in the game/ 3 LPs/ now that’s evidence/
I seen it all/ the ladies, the groupies, the fancy parties, award ceremonies, glory and all that money (money)/ But I learned the hard way that fame came with a price/
For Point Blanc to be more famous than Ipoh chicken rice/

(Outro singing)
Ipoh, Ipoh, if y’all afraid go call the popo/
It’s your boy Point lettin’ you know/ the hottest chink hollerin’ from Ipoh/
(Repeat 1x)

(Outro adlib)
Voyeur Records! It ain’t where you’re from/ its where you at/
So be proud of where you’re from baby, cos’ I am/

What is your dreams? Think it's impossible? Think again...
EePoh that's where I from...haha!

2007-04-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. -MARK TWAIN-

LOVE ALL, TRUST A FEW and DO WRONG TO NONE. -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE-

Try not to become a man of success but rather try become a man of value. - ALBERT EINSTEIN-

Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them. -ARISTOTLE-

...honor is a harder master than the law. -MARK TWAIN-

A lil reflection on a beautiful day...

2007-04-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

A tennis tournament...a lesson for me!

I was sitting here reflecting on what happened today throughout the tennis tournament organized by me and the rest of the club's committee. To be honest, I was upset at the results and the way we all handled the whole situation. Looking at it now, I would only said that I lack in leadership skill and failed as a leader and as an organizer. Some conflict popped up because of the court booking system. Not entirely our fault though yet I thought I could have been able to handle it more wisely if not of the rush and everything. Looking at it again, I knew I've thrust those angers and frustration to some of the committee. This action itself is one that truly disqualify me from being a leader in anything at all. I really felt that pressure and stress at that moment, when everything was not working right. Some of my friends that went for the tournament have been there waiting for their turn to play for quite some time. I was thinking and saying to myself... "what is all this shit I'm doing here. Look at all the people that have been waiting since forever and have not played a single game."
I knew that I couldn't really do anything. There is only 6 courts available and the referees...some are playing themselves. Well, I can't blame them entirely. I knew that they've done what they think they should be doing. I felt terrible with the fact that some people have to wait so long to play a single game.
And then another friend of mine lost her handphone. I was really feeling terrible inside. I knew that those incidents weren't really my fault but I should at least have done my best to avoid unnecessary incident such as those. Maybe I've done all I could...maybe I've not.
The only thing that I knew is that I've failed in boosting the morale of the people that are in the committee as well when I was struggling with all these issues.
I only could sincerely say that I'm sorry for my rude and negative remarks. I've not been a good leader...yes....i know but i'm learning. Sorry once again is probably what I can said for now.

2007-03-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Being a friend

"Look at the poor guy over there...he's so lonely." said a friend of mine to me.
I guess she's right. This guy don't really have much friends in this school. I kept in my mind of those people that somehow failed to be categorized in the "cool" people of this world definition. I wonder what is it that I can do to help them, or at least to be part of their lives.
An honest confession would be "I've not try hard enough to be a friend."
What is it that set the gap between me and some people? Somehow we just can't be friends. Well, maybe the reality is that we can't be friends to everyone but then we can at least try to be one I guess. I knew I've not tried enough. I'm not loving from the heart. Somehow somewhere inside my heart I've already judged those people.
After watching the movie "BLOOD DIAMOND", it make me think if I would be willing to go the extra mile in helping others as the main character in the movie. I knew that as I watched that movie, I won't be able to love people of different culture and background sincerely from the heart. It is a constant struggles to accept those people that is different from me.
I felt very bad because I knew I wasn't able to love like I wanted to. I knew that somehow in my eyes, I'm seeing myself as different from some people and that has probably been the reason why I always think of myself as special...or as better, being down there to help others. I read the book "Bridge to Terabithia" Somehow something in that story struck me, probably struck me more than it did in the movie because from the description of the book, none of the main characters are any "cool" or "pretty" or "beautiful" image. I looked at how simple that friendship was built in the story.
At that point, I knew that being a friend would probably mean that I've to learn to tear down the mentality that is already been trained and built in me. A mentality that always see myself better than others.
The whole idea of love is bigger and more complicated than it seems. It's not just about being nice to someone...it's beyond that even. I knew I've to start somewhere.
That somewhere to start I believe is my home. I'm starting it while moving that spirit of love that is motivating me at the moment to beyond my home...to my circle of friends. But something deep within me is challenging me to see to those that I've never been able to talk to as friends. I'm feeling the need to be real with what I believe in. I knew something is wrong with the way the system works. Success is not something of good results, good grades, big bucks or even popularity. It's more than that...maybe not even about that.
Being a better friend...I'll learn to be
Not on my own, but with many others alongside.
we don't need another picture of this to tell us that something is terribly wrong with our world.

Creating a better world! The best way is to start from within.
Saw the rubbish around your school? Pick it up...
Saw a friend sitting alone? Just said hi and be there...
Saw something that is not right within the system...make the change!
Haha! Well, everything started from something simple...
And maybe it don't need to be something big or grand...it just need some heart and compassion.

2007-03-30T00:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the room, typing out these words slowly as I sit here alone, with no one else around. The sound of the wind is smoothing and comforting as I just finished mopping the house and started to relax and rest a lil before I started doing any of my school homework. I recalled a few things that happened in school. Some that I don't like and some that somehow cheer me up. I remembered just a few days ago, I told a friend of mine that sometimes I felt that I'm very selfish myself. Probably it's because I'm living in the world system that individualistic, selfishness and hardwork is a need for success. The fact that there's only a few more months left before my STPM made the reality even more real to me. I have to study more than I used to although I haven't really started. I have to make sure that I've got good grades and good marks for my co-curricular activities as well. But somehow while I'm trying to make sure of all these, I realized that sometimes I ignored those who failed to be classified in the successful group of this world system.
A lot of times I realized that I've not been a good friend to those who failed to adapt themselves into this system. I knew that there are times that I compromised to this system in order to be part of the "winning people" in how the world define it. One compromise lead to another and another and then another. Now that I looked back, I wonder if I've really been who I really am.
The love that the world defines it is more like this: I'll do what I can for others so long as I've settled with my own agenda.
While there are many incidents in the school that made me realize that this system need to be changed, I also knew that the first thing needed a change is me.
I felt like what Paul said in Romans 7: 14-25

For we know that the law is spiritual but I am carnal sold under sin. For that which I do, I allow not; for what I would that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now that then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) dwellth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it but sin that dwellth in me. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God but with the flesh the law of sin.

That inner struggle for Paul is what I felt very much at the moment. But then I also realized that it is a journey where I learn everyday. Where now and then I'll have to redefine my understanding of love and learn it from a heart willing to explore. Remembering the incident that happened around my life, I knew that there are times that I'm just too proud...just too caught up in this world definition of "good and success".
While I took this quiet time to reflect and rethink of the meaning of selfless love, I ponder into the heart of Jesus. The beautiful story that it would be if Christians did not add on the
but in it. Really, I stand in awe of the love that is within oneself but to be stretched to the extra mile. While that period of stretching was painful, Jesus went through it all, all alone.
What kind of love is this? The clock is slowly moving into the time 1600 and I realized that there is a long day more to go. And another day to learn to die to self.
If today someone needed my attention that would take me away from something that will do good to me, how would I have reacted to it?
Will I be able to say the same as Peter did: silver and gold I have not, but what I have I give it to you from the bottom of my heart?
Or will I be the kind of people that said wait til I get what I needed then I can help you better?
Or am I the don't care and don't bother type?

God, teach me slowly and take me one step at a time, so that the word love and hope will not be something that is used constantly but something that will be seen in my life more clearly.

2007-03-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

I found these photos from my friend's blog....

it's my name...haha!

Kian HIN

JAMINAN KIAN HIN

2007-03-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

KEEP HOLDING ON

You're not alone Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in no I won't give in

Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say (nothin you can say)
Nothing you can do(nothin you can do)
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through We'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend ah ah
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah

Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny Whatever's meant to be Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

La da da da, la da da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holdin' on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

2007-03-23T10:51:00.001-07:00

Another part from the movie Bridge to Terabithia that I love so much...it's sad, touching and has a deep meaning in it. =P

He squinted his eyes as though trying to peer down a dark drain pipe. He didn't even know what question to ask them. "What-?" he tried to begin.

Brenda's pouting voice broke in, "Your girl friend's dead, and Momma thought you was dead, too."

Something whirled around inside Jess's head; He opened his mouth, but it was dry and no words came out. He jerked his head from one face to the next for someone to help him.

Finally his father spoke, his big rough hand stroking his wife's hair and his eyes downcast watching the motion. "They found the Burke girl this morning down in the creek."

"No," he said, finding his voice. Leslie wouldn't drown. She could swim real good."

"That old rope you kids been swinging on broke." His father went quietly and relentlessly on. "They think she musta hit her head on something when she fell."

"No." He shook his head. "No."

His father looked up. "I'm real sorry, boy."

"No!" Jess was yelling now. "I don't believe you. You're lying to me!" He looked around again wildly for someone to agree. But they all had their heads down except May Belle, whose eyes were wide with terror. But, Leslie, what if you die?

"No," he said straight at May Belle. "It's a lie. Leslie ain't dead." He turned around and ran out the door, letting the screen bang sharply against the house. He ran down the gravel to the main road and then started running west away from Washington and Millsburg-and the old Perkins place. An approaching car beeped and swerved and beeped again, but he hardly noticed.

Leslie-dead-girl-friend-rope-broke-fell-you-you-you. The words exploded in his head like corn against the sides of the popper. God-dead-you-Leslie-dead-you. He ran until he was stumbling but he kept on, afraid to stop. Knowing somehow that running was the only thing that could keep Leslie from being dead. It was up to him. He had to keep going.

Behind him came the baripity of the pickup, but he couldn't turn around. He tried to run faster, but his father passed him and stopped the pickup just ahead, then jumped out and ran back. He picked Jess up in his arms as though he were a baby. For the first few seconds less kicked and struggled against the strong arms. Then Jess gave himself over to the numbness that was buzzing to be let out from a corner of his brain.

He leaned his weight upon the door of the pickup and let his head thud-thud against the window. His father drove stiffly without speaking, though once he cleared his throat as though he were going to say something, but he glanced at less and closed his mouth.

When they pulled up at his house, his father sat quietly, and Jess could feel the man's uncertainty, so he opened the door and got out, and with the numbness flooding through him, went in and lay down on his bed.

He was awake, jerked suddenly into consciousness in the black stillness of the house. He sat up, stiff and shivering, although he was fully dressed from his windbreaker down to his sneakers. He could hear the breathing of the little girls in the next bed, strangely loud and uneven in the quiet. Some dream must have awakened him, but he could not remember it. He could only remember the mood of dread it had brought with it. Through the curtainless window he could see the lopsided moon with hundreds of stars dancing in bright attendance.

It came into his mind that someone had told him that Leslie was dead. But he knew now that that had been part of the dreadful dream. Leslie could not die any more than he himself could die. But the words turned over uneasily in his mind like leaves stirred up by a cold wind. If he got up now and went down to the old Perkins place and knocked on the door, Leslie would come to open it, P. T. jumping at her heels like a star around the moon. It was a beautiful night. Perhaps they could run over the hill and across the fields to the stream and swing themselves into Terabithia.

They had never been there in the dark. But there was enough moon for them to find their way into the castle, and he could tell her about his day in Washington. And apologize. It had been so dumb of him not to ask if Leslie could go, too. He and Leslie and Miss Edmunds could have had a wonderful day-different, of course, from the day he and Miss Edmunds had had, but still good, still perfect. Miss Edmunds and Leslie liked each other a lot. It would have been fun to have Leslie along. I'm really sorry, Leslie. He took off his jacket and sneakers, and crawled under the covers. I was dumb not to think of asking.

S'OK, Leslie would say. I've been to Washington thousands of times.

Did you ever see the buffalo hunt?

Somehow it was the one thing in all Washington that Leslie had never seen, and so he could tell her about it, describing the tiny beasts hurtling to destruction.

His stomach felt suddenly cold. It had something to do with the buffalo, with falling, with death. With the reason he had not remembered to ask if Leslie could go with them to Washington today.

You know something weird?

What? Leslie asked.

I was scared to come to Terabithia this morning.

The coldness threatened to spread up from his stomach. He turned over and lay on it. Perhaps it would be better not to think about Leslie right now. He would go to see her the first thing in the morning and explain everything. He could explain it better in the daytime when he had shaken off the effects of his unremembered nightmare.

He put his mind to remembering the day in Washington, working on details of pictures and statues, dredging up the sound of Miss Edmunds' voice, recalling his own exact words and her exact answers. Occasionally into the corner of his mind's vision would come a sensation of falling, but he pushed it away with the view of another picture or the sound of another conversation. Tomorrow he must share it all with Leslie.

The next thing he was aware of was the sun streaming through the window. The little girls' bed was only rumpled covers, and there was movement and quiet talking from the kitchen.

Lord! Poor Miss Bessie. He'd forgotten all about her last night, and now it must be late. He felt for his sneakers and shoved his feet over the heels without tying the laces.

His mother looked up quickly from the stove at the sound of him. Her face was set for a question, but she just nodded her head at him.

The coldness began to come back. "I forgot Miss Bessie."

"Your daddy's milking her."

"I forgot last night, too."

She kept nodding her head. "Your daddy did it for you." But it wasn't an accusation. "You feel like some breakfast?"

Maybe that was why his stomach felt so odd. He hadn't had anything to eat since the ice cream Miss Edmunds had bought them at Millsburg on the way home. Brenda and Ellie stared up at him from the table. The little girls turned from their cartoon show at the TV to look at him and then turned quickly back.

He sat down on the bench. His mother put a plateful of pancakes in front of him. He couldn't remember the last time she had made pancakes. He doused them with syrup and began to eat. They tasted marvelous.

"You don't even care, do you?" Brenda was watching him from across the table.

He looked at her puzzled, his mouth full.

"If Jimmy Dicks died, I wouldn't be able to eat a bite."

The coldness curled up inside of him and flopped over.

"Will you shut your mouth, Brenda Aarons?" His mother sprang forward, the pancake turner held threateningly high.

"Well, Momma, he's just sitting there eating pancakes like nothing happened. I'd be crying my eyes out."

Ellie was looking first at Mrs. Aarons and then at Brenda. "Boys ain't supposed to cry at times like this. Are they, Momma?"

"Well, it don't seem right for him to be sitting there eating like a brood sow."

"I'm telling you, Brenda, if you don't shut your mouth...." He could hear them talking but they were farther away than the memory of the dream. He ate and he chewed and he swallowed, and when his mother put three more pancakes on his plate, he ate them, too.

His father came in with the milk. He poured it carefully into the empty cider jugs and put them into the refrigerator. Then he washed his hands at the sink and came to the table. As he passed Jess, he put his hand lightly on the boy's shoulder. He wasn't angry about the milking.

Jess was only dimly aware that his parents were looking at each other and then at him. Mrs. Aarons gave Brenda a hard look and gave Mr. Aarons a look which was to say that Brenda was to be kept quiet, but Jess was only thinking of how good the pancakes had been and hoping his mother would put down some more in front of him. He knew somehow that he shouldn't ask for more, but he was disappointed that she didn't give him any. He thought, then, that he should get up and leave the table, but he wasn't sure where he was supposed to go or what he was supposed to do.

"Your mother and I thought we ought to go down to the neighbors and pay respects." His father cleared his throat. "I think it would be fitting for you to come, too." He stopped again. "Seeing's you was the one that really knowed the little girl."

Jess tried to understand what his father was saying to him, but he felt stupid. "What little girl?" He mumbled it, knowing it was the wrong thing to ask. Ellie and Brenda both gasped.

His father leaned down the table and put his big hand on top of Jess's hand. He gave his wife a quick, troubled look. But she just stood there, her eyes full of pain, saying nothing.

"Your friend Leslie is dead, Jesse. You need to understand that."

Jess slid his hand out from under his father's. He got up from the table.

"I know it ain't a easy thing-" Jess could hear his father speaking as he went into the bedroom. He came back out with his windbreaker on.

"You ready to go now?" His father got up quickly. His mother took off her apron and patted her hair.

May Belle jumped up from the rug. "I wanta go, too," she said. "I never seen a dead person before."

"No!" May Belle sat down again as though slapped down by her mother's voice.

"We don't even know where she's laid out at, May Belle," Mr. Aarons said more gently.

They walked slowly across the field and down the hill to the old Perkins place. There were four or five cars parked outside. His father raised the knocker. Jess could hear P. T. barking from the back of the house and rushing to the door.

"Hush, P. T.," a voice which Jess did not know said. "Down." The door was opened by a man who was half leaning over to hold the dog back. At the sight of Jess, P. T. snatched himself loose and leapt joyfully upon the boy. Jess picked him up and rubbed the back of the dog's neck as he used to when P. T. was a tiny puppy.

"I see he knows you," the strange man said with a funny half smile on his face. "Come in, won't you." He stood back for the three of them to enter.

They went into the golden room, and it was just the same, except more beautiful because the sun was pouring through the south windows. Four or five people Jess had never seen before were sitting about, whispering some, but mostly not talking at all. There was no place to sit down, but the strange man was bringing chairs from the dining room. The three of them sat down stiffly and waited, not knowing what to wait for.

An older woman got up slowly from the couch and came over to Jess's mother. Her eyes were red under her perfectly white hair. "I'm Leslie's grandmother," she said, putting out her hand.

His mother took it awkwardly. "Miz Aarons," she said in a low voice. "From up the hill."

Leslie's grandmother shook his mother's and then his father's hands. "Thank you for coming," she said. Then she turned to Jess. "You must be Jess," she said. Jess nodded. "Leslie -" Her eyes filled up with tears. "Leslie told me about you."

For a minute Jess thought she was going to say something else. He didn't want to look at her, so he gave himself over to rubbing P. T., who was hanging across his lap. "I'm sorry -" Her voice broke. "I can't bear it." The man who had opened the door came up and put his arm around her. As he was leading her out of the room, Jess could hear her crying.

He was glad she was gone. There was something weird about a woman like that crying. It was as if the lady who talked about Polident on TV had suddenly burst into tears. It didn't fit. He looked around at the room full of red-eyed adults. Look at me, he wanted to say to them. I'm not crying. A part of him stepped back and examined this thought. He was the only person his age he knew whose best friend had died. It made him important. The kids at school Monday would probably whisper around him and treat him with respect - the way they'd all treated Billy Joe Weems last year after his father had been killed in a car crash. He wouldn't have to talk to anybody if he didn't want to, and all the teachers would be especially nice to him. Momma would even make the girls be nice to him.

He had a sudden desire to see Leslie laid out. He wondered if she were back in the library or in Millsburg at one of the funeral parlors. Would they bury her in blue jeans? Or maybe that blue jumper and the flowery blouse she'd worn at Easter. That would be nice. People might snicker at the blue jeans, and he didn't want anyone to snicker at Leslie when she was dead.

Bill came into the room. P. T. slid off Jess's lap and went to him. The man leaned down and rubbed the dog's back. less stood up.

"Jess." Bill came over to him and put his arms around him as though he had been Leslie instead of himself. Bill held him close, so that a button on his sweater was pressing pain- fully into Jess's forehead, but as uncomfortable as he was, less didn't move. He could feel Bill's body shaking, and he was afraid that if he looked up he would see Bill crying, too. He didn't want to see Bill crying. He wanted to get out of this house. It was smothering him. Why wasn't Leslie here to help him out of this? Why didn't she come running in and make everyone laugh again? You think it's so great to die and make everyone cry and carry on. Well, it ain't.

"She loved you, you know." He could tell from Bill's voice that he was crying. "She told me once that if it weren't for you . . ." His voice broke completely. "Thank you," he said a moment later. "Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to her."

Bill didn't sound like himself. He sounded like someone in an old mushy movie. The kind of person Leslie and Jess would laugh at and imitate later. Boo-hooooooo, you were such a wonderful friend to her. He couldn't help moving back, just enough to get his forehead off the stupid button. To his relief, Bill let go. He heard his father ask Bill quietly over his head about "the service."

And Bill answering quietly almost in his regular voice that they had decided to have the body cremated and were going to take the ashes to his family home in Pennsylvania tomorrow.

Cremated. Something clicked inside Jess's head. That meant Leslie was gone. Turned to ashes. He would never see her again. Not even dead. Never. How could they dare? Leslie belonged to him. More to him than anyone in the world. No one had even asked him. No one had even told him. And now he was never going to see her again, and all they could do was cry. Not for Leslie. They weren't crying for Leslie. They were crying for themselves. Just themselves. If they'd cared at all for Leslie, they would have never brought her to this rotten place. He had to hold tightly to his hands for fear he might sock Bill in the face.

He, Jess, was the only one who really cared for Leslie. But Leslie had failed him. She went and died just when he needed her the most. She went and left him. She went swinging on that rope just to show him that she was no coward. So there, Jess Aarons. She was probably somewhere fight now laughing at him. Making fun of him like he was Mrs. Myers. She had tricked him. She had made him leave his old self behind and come into her world, and then before he was really at home in it but too late to go back, she had left him stranded there like an astronaut wandering about on the moon. Alone.

He was never sure later just when he left the old Perkins place, but he remembered running up the hill toward his own house with angry tears streaming down his face. He banged through the door. May Belle was standing there, her brown eyes wide. "Did you see her?" she asked excitedly. "Did you see her laid out?"

He hit her. In the face. As hard as he had ever hit anything in his life. She stumbled backward from him with a little yelp. He went into the bedroom and felt under the mattress until he retrieved all his paper and the paints that Leslie had given him at Christmastime.

Ellie was standing in the bedroom door fussing at him. He pushed past her. From the couch Brenda, too, was complain- ing, but the only sound that really entered his head was that of May Belle whimpering.

He ran out the kitchen door and down the field all the way to the stream without looking back. The stream was a little lower than it had been when he had seen it last. Above from the crab apple tree the frayed end of the rope swung gently. I am now the fastest runner in the fifth grade.

He screamed something without words and flung the papers and paints into the dirty brown water. The paints floated on top, riding the current like a boat, but the papers swirled about, soaking in the muddy water, being sucked down, around, and down. He watched them all disappear. Gradually his breath quieted, and his heart slowed from its wild pace. The ground was still muddy from the rains, but he sat down anyway. There was nowhere to go. Nowhere. Ever again. He put his head down on his knee.

"That was a damn fool thing to do." His father sat down on the dirt beside him.

"I don't care. I don't care." He was crying now, crying so hard he could barely breathe.

His father pulled Jess over on his lap as though he were Joyce Ann. "There. There," he said, patting his head. "Shhh. Shhh."

"I hate her," Jess said through his sobs. "I hate her. I wish I'd never seen her in my whole life."

His father stroked his hair without speaking less grew quiet. They both watched the water.

Finally his father said, "Hell, ain't it?" It was the kind of thing less could hear his father saying to another man. He found it strangely comforting, and it made him bold.

"Do you believe people go to hell, really go to hell, I mean?"

"You ain't worrying about Leslie Burke?"

It did seem peculiar, but still - "Well, May Belle said...."

"May Belle? May Belle ain't God."

"Yeah, but how do you know what God does?"

"Lord, boy, don't be a fool. God ain't gonna send any little girls to hell."

He had never in his life thought of Leslie Burke as a little girl, but still God was sure to. She wouldn't have been eleven until November. They got up and began to walk up the hill. "I didn't mean that about hating her," he said. "I don't know what made me say that." His father nodded to show he understood.

2007-03-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Bridge to Terabithia

It took a while to get Ellie and Brenda pulled away from the front yard of the church. less and Leslie went ahead and put the little girls in the back and settled down to wait.

"Gee, I'm really glad I came."

Jess turned to Leslie in unbelief.

"It was better than a movie."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not." And she wasn't. He could tell by her face. "That whole Jesus thing is really interesting, isn't it?"

"What d'you mean?"

"All those people wanting to kill him when he hadn't done anything to hurt them." She hesitated. "It's really kind of a beautiful story-like Abraham Lincoln or Socrates -- or Aslan."

"It ain't beautiful," May Belle broke in. "It's scary. Nailing holes right through somebody's hand."

"May Belle's right." Jess reached down into the deepest pit of his mind. "Ifs because we're all vile sinners God made Jesus die."

"Do you think that's true?"

He was shocked. "It's in the Bible, Leslie."

She looked at him as if she were going to argue, then seemed to change her mind "It's crazy, isn't it?" She shook her head. "You have to believe it, but you hate it. I don't have to believe it, and I think it's beautiful." She shook her head again. "It's crazy."

May Belle had her eyes all squinted as though Leslie was some strange creature in a zoo. "You gotta believe the Bible, Leslie."

"Why?" It was a genuine question. Leslie wasn't being smarty.

"Cause if you don't believe the Bible" - May Belle's eyes were huge - "God'll damn you to hell when you die."

"Where'd she ever hear a thing like that?" Leslie turned on Jess as though she were about to accuse him of some wrong he had committed against his sister. He felt hot and caught by her voice and words.

He dropped his gaze to the gunnysack and began to fiddle with the unraveled edge.

"That's right, ain't it, Jess?" May Belle's shrill voice demanded. "Don't God damn you to hell if you don't believe the Bible?

Jess pushed his hair out of his face. "I reckon," he muttered. "I don't believe it," Leslie said. "I don't even think you've read the Bible."

"I read most of it." less said, still fingering the sack. "About the only book we got around our place." He looked up at Leslie and half grinned.

She smiled. "OK," she said. "But I still don't think God goes around damning people to hell."

They smiled at each other trying to ignore May Belle's anxious little voice. "But Leslie," she insisted. "What if you die? What's going to happen to you if you die?"

So what you think? Is May Belle making enough sense or is it Leslie that is getting it right? Well, maybe we're always caught up with all these ideas about going to hell or heaven...what if it's not about all that? I like the way the director change the actual way the author put it. The movie added a line where Leslie continued from the last part : "Ok. But I still don't think God goes around damning people to hell. He is too busy with all these. (referring to the beauty of nature and life)"

2007-03-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

Friendship...can be more than beautiful!!

Just caught a quotes by Aristotle...He who hath many friends hath none. I was reflecting on this quotations by a great man in the early days. Although I might not entirely agree with the statement but I believe that in some ways it make sense. I remembered that at one time, I wanted to be a friend to those around me, which is not something wrong but then I realized that at times, I was not sincere in certain conversation that I had with my friends simply because I do not have time for so many friends. And in my troubled times, I realized that most of the time, only the few are really there for you.

And then lately I went to watch the Bridge To Terabithia...a big impact in my life to a certain extend. Somehow I felt that the books that I've been reading has been allowing me to see a bigger perspective at life. I remembered the two main characters...they don't have a lot of friends or maybe they don't actually have friends but themselves (they're more or less the loser in school...those who got themselves bullied most of the time)
But it is this friendship that bring to them a great meaning in life.
Now that I look back, I salute the author for her brilliance in ending the story. The death of the girl might have been one of a sad story but it really highlight the whole idea of friendship and the impact it bring to Aaron Jess.
So, what can I said? We might not have the most friends around the world but we really have some great friends around us. Think of them...the beautiful memory and how it change your life. Maybe it'll be more beautiful if we learn to be friends instead of waiting to befriended by others.

Friendship...for me, it's about giving and traveling together on this journey, with our dreams in mind, making a difference.

2007-03-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

A football team...ISUC commission rocks in Prefects' Inter Commission Football Competition!

Ever wonder what I mean when I once said it is possible to see GOD in a football game? Hmm...how do I put it? Have you ever wonder what it means when you said you felt the presence of God? Today I had a talk with a friend about worship and he mentioned about the feel and the atmosphere of worship. In another words, the emotion plays an important part in connecting to God. In no way I disagree with this statement and I guess this is the culture that I came from...at least I adopted this culture when I first became a Christian. However I believe that it is possible to see worship and the presence of God beyond the time we sing songs with smooth music following along and the silent and solemn prayer time. I agreed with my friend when he mentioned of the need to respect God in worship and prayer by being serious. But I believe in everyway the word "serious" need to be redefined when it comes to talking about God. I was right at the back of the pews when I saw the people worshiping God by lifting their hands, while some cried. And I also noticed a group of other people that was laughing and joking once in a while. But when I search deep inside my heart I realized that the worship need not all the time be so emotional, silence and full of that grand atmosphere. Sometimes a little laughter with your friends simply means you care enough to be there with your friends and that is the spirit of worship. And talking about football, I remembered clearly that day when we played football. We were full of pride in some ways because we knew that we were good and we played well. In fact, we didn't even import any players from other commission. Throughout that day, a few things happened...a few people get injury, quite serious in fact...but the spirit in helping one another...that spirit of unity and love...how do I put it? It's full of sincerity and is genuine in being there for one another.
The time that we planned for the football game, the way we joked about being the best, the atmosphere that is full of love and a new bond that was formed among the people in the commission in that teamwork throughout the game. A strong bond of friendship is there...with nothing to gain and nothing to lose...we're just there as friends, as part of the family, playing a beautiful game...

A reflection is needed for us to make....look at the recent quarrels and fight in a football game. The ugly side of football is almost too visible with the death of a police officer. This question pop into my head...how can someone be so violent in order to just win?
Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal...look at how the competition can turn so ugly with the constant criticism among the club's managers.
But if we were to look bigger, we could see the same picture when it comes to religion, politics, and the corporate world.
The tonnes of money that a nation would spend on nuclear weapons and weapons as preparation for war simply reflect the main concern of a country. Not the poor, not the sick but to prepare for war. If we could just see that one war only leads to another...but then again, maybe war will never come to an end....but why not a political leader look into the need of the people that barely able to meet ones' ends meet?
And what about religion...looking at the debates between church leaders alone is enough to see such a lack of love and compassion in us. What more when it comes to people who are from different religious background? The way one would even kill others in order to defend the principle in their beliefs. But what about the love that is being preached in all religion?

Back to the football game, like many other issue, such as religion, politics or even the business world, there are in it the good and bad side of it. Sometimes the only way to allow God to be part of this beautiful game is to allow the good side of it to shine so brightly in it. I've seen it in the Prefectorial Board when we chose to be there for one another in the game and to allow the sports to show us what friendship is all about...what love is all about...

And so maybe it's time to take the ball out of the store room and start playing some football....haha!

What is love?
It could be sometimes in a havoc...
It could sometimes be something that is not certain...
It could be in between here and there...
It could be something that your imagination help to produce...
And I think that it is something that create something beautiful out of it...

Have a coffee with those around you, think a bit, read a bit, imagine a bit...maybe then
life could be a bit more beautiful

2007-03-22T02:37:00.000-07:00

What would you do with RM 219,000?

Well, I'm not so sure what is it that I would be doing...but then I know what my church will be doing with that big sum of money. They will use that money for what they called, "Harvest Generation"...to build a church in Subang, KL. If asked me on what I feel about the way this money has been spent....I felt it is stupid and not much thoughts were put into it.
The first question that I would ask probably would pop into your mind if you are those that think....of all places, why a church in KL?? Is there a need for another church there with quite a number of churches there with some being a big church? Or do we felt that only we could do a better job than others?
Something to ponder about...
And then there were this question about what about being a blessing to others? What about community service? What about all those? And like all good churches, my church is involved in Salvation Army, CCC (Canning Community Centre) and many others but another question pop into my mind...what about the very people in the church? I'm not sure if every church have such a people in there but I definitely know a friend where his brother and sister (early 19s to 20s) have to work to support him and themselves because they're not with their parents. The father and mother are not supporting them. I wonder how come there is not any help from the church...if not the church leaders who obviously know about it.
I guess I'm being very critical in posting all these in my blog but I guess sometimes we really have to relook at what we meant by harvest, reachout, ministry, being a blessing and others.
Why must it always be in a megachurch context? If we were to have more than 2000 youths in the church, how good can that be if all those people were like the Pharisees in the Old Testaments, not willing to stop by when they saw a poor man being beaten up badly. I rather have a small group of friends that are like the Good Samaritan, being moved with compassion seeing a poor man being badly beaten and take good care of that person.
Well, again, it is my bias opinion on this whole issue. Probably there are some other perspectives that I'm missing but really, what is our purpose on Earth? Some people live for money...some people live to convert others...some people live for popularity...some people live for friends...some people live for the spouse and the children...some people live for eternity...as for me, I live for today.
Living each day, learning to be a better friend and a better follower of Christ and understand what it means when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of God is at hand."
Well, my mind is still very much limited by the culture where I came from...I'll have to learn to keep my mind wide open...open enough to see God in a bigger picture

2007-03-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

Just close your eyes and keep your mind wide open

The literacy programme for the Form 1 students started this year. Honestly part of me felt tired of going for the programme because I am tired of planning, thinking of games....etc...in other words, I'm lazy. But as I started the programme today, I seen a group of young people that has still a lot to explore in their teenage years and they needed some guidance, not because they're any more stupid than me back then but they just don't fit into the system set by the leaders of this world...whatever reasons it might be, I realized that these people are people that has a lot to contribute to the society, to our community...in order to build a better world.
At this point, I felt that the main problems with the education system is that there's not much thinkers...we were trained to understand, memorize, accept certain facts, calculate, but we were not trained to think...we were not trained to imagine...to build a fantasy of hope and bring into the reality. No wonder people only think about success in terms of the way the world define it: straight As, more certificates and others. While only a few ponder at the struggle of their poor and not so well to do friends.
Hmm...somehow as I write this blog, the words uttered by the main actress in the movie, Bridge to Terabithia, Leslie Burke (Annasophia Robb) kept coming to me....just close your eyes and keep your mind wide open. I felt that this is what I needed at the moment, to keep my mind open at the things around me. Looking at the Form 1 students today, I knew that there's more I could learn about being part of these group of people. I probably need to lay down my understanding of fun and games that I learned in church and allowed myself to imagine and to be creative. When I looked at my friends that could not fit in, I have to learn to be part of their lives, to allow my fantasy, dreams and imagination to run wild. Going for snooker could be a negative influence to some people but really this game could be just fun and exciting while being part of the lives of others. What about football? Can I see God in it? Probably it's just possible...and what about being a friend? What does that mean?
But then I realized that my fantasy and imagination can only be expanded if I choose to read more and see more perspectives. Maybe a friend like Leslie Burke is what everyone need.
Seeing things from a new perspectives...think outside the box...do not be limited by the culture and popular beliefs but be willing to challenge oneself and those around us to move into a new boundary...a new ground...a new world.
Well, after saying so much, I realize that I'm also very limited by my mind...haha! It's a new learning process for me. Will share more about new perspectives...hmm...what can I said? I'm excited....

You got to keep ur mind wide open,
All the possibilities,
You got to live with ur eyes open,
Believe in what u see...

Live with ur passion, ur dreams, ur imagination but always keep ur mind wide open...you might just see a new and brighter world ahead...

2007-03-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

"Just close your eyes and keep your mind wide open...."

If you've watched the movie Bridge to Terabithia lately, then you would realize what is it that I'm saying. Well, honestly this movie is one that is touching, and teach me what it means to be a friend. I must admit that until the end of the movie, I cried because I felt that it was cruel for the director to allow the girl to die. Haha!
Well, just wanted to post some photos from the movie...one that is with meaning and really, I would rate it as the year's best probably...=P

(Here's Leslie running faster than Jess...cool!)

(What are friends for?)

(Leslie reading her essay in front of the class...)

(exploring the rope...and they call it a magic rope)

(Jess giving a dog to Leslie...how sweet?)

(A good act! Keep it up!)

(Jess' father...the struggle of a father to provide and to love)

(Friends forever...even death will not take away the beautiful memory spent together)

(So magic can be real as well...=P)

(Just keep ur mind wide open...do not limit ur imagination...cool!)

(That's when I call it beautiful...)

(Isn't it beautiful to just get into our own world and feel the comfort in it...Jess and Leslie definitely know it)

(Life begins when one dares to dream and allow his mind to be wide open...building a fantasy of hope and love...and bringing into the real world...imagination...writing a wonderful story...even though the closest fren might not be there anymore but bringing with it a magic, not any sorts of magic but a magic of love)

2007-03-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

Been hanging out with my school friends, going for snooker for the first time and getting into the cyber cafe for the first time. Haha! Although I admit that I'm not inside the cyber cafe playing games like my friends did. Well, I guess it's just that we all have different idea of how one can have fun. But honestly I learned something very simple in this...that despite of the difference within this community I'm able to see the sincerity in being a friend.
I guess it was really an entire different way of hanging out when I'm with these group of friends. I remembered that I used to hang out with my church friends, go for makan, sing songs, jamming, played football. And even as I learned a new way of living with this bunch of friends, I realized that friendship could be more than just praying for someone...it could sometimes mean to just be there together.
After a while not being active in church, I again realized that some friends in the church began to lose that contact with me. I can understand why because we don't get to see each other that often. But then again, there are also some Christian friends that viewed me as "lost" and probably tried to convert me once again. Maybe the conversion is not the best word used here because I still claimed to be a Christian, a follower of Christ.
Even as I sit here and write this blog in the midst of the people that is probably playing Warcraft, Dota and other games, I somehow felt that simple love for one another among this bunch of people.
I began to wonder why is it that sometimes Christians failed to see the call to love as much more important than any other calling if there ever were any other.
While my heart is very much in havoc because of the past that kept haunting me once again, I also began to see the work of God being real in my life. I find myself reading more than ever. Books that somehow speak of the need to love from the heart. But then again, every Christians profess to love others. I guess at the end of the day, it's not just the intention but the effort and heart that is really put in. I remembered the many conversations I had with my friends and it is almost all the time with Christians that I find the conversations to be insincere. The "too holy" kind of attitude that was among the Christians somehow made the conversations to be autopilot...that it automatically entered into some serious conversations. From the outlook, it appeared to be one that is serious but yet as we looked deep inside the heart of all those conversations that is when we realized that too often, it is not coming from the heart.
As I began to look at God from different angle, there are times that I might just question myself, it is really a sincere conversations that I had. Or is it something that just looked good.
Really, the friends that are real are friends that are willing to be human when being with one another. Today I hung out with these cool people...Kien San, Kok San, Tuck Yuan, Yen Leng, Boon Tat, Sin Hau and many others.
The whole conversations and games we had, there was not once we mentioned about God but then throughout the whole time I hung out with them, I realized that something is urging inside my heart that this community is a community that God is part of.
It took me a while to recall the way Jesus spent His time with His disciples...while He might have preached if that is what theologians called it...but I felt most of the time, Jesus were not talking about God...maybe there were times that He talked about stories regarding the Kingdom of God but more often He lived that with His community. If Jesus were on Earth for 3 years and all the stories regarding the Kingdom of God could be just recorded in 4 gospels...it simply means that the 1000 over days were more spent living ordinarily with the rest of His friends and though it might not have been recorded in the Bible...it doesn't in anyway disqualify the importance of it. Probably the reason that it was not much recorded because you don't have to have a system to live as follower of Christ. The same meaning can be put in these statements...that you don't have to be in a religion to be a follower of Christ or if I might put it this way...you don't have to be a Christian to be a follower of Christ.
Well, guess that's it for now...brain is getting a lil tired now.
=P

2007-03-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

The conversation about God continued...we talked and half debated on the topic God. I was tired so we decided to stop. The next day I wrote an email to her. She replied me. It was a quick reply. I guess we were both eager to talk to one another. Well, we planned for a jogging the next day with the rest of our friends. We jogged together while our friends were on their own. We talked and I laughed at her for not having that stamina to run like I could. Some other outings we had...a trip to Kledang Hill with her Singapore friends. The previous night we went to Sidewalk for ice-cream and only reached home at about 12.00 midnight. My mom scolded me for going out early in the morning the next day with my friends again but I couldn't bother much. Her friends from Singapore were here and I wanted to get to know them as well. We were up early but then we were lost. Have to asked direction from people early in the morning. With both of our common friends fetched me while she with her Singapore friends in another car, I had to get out from the car quite a number of times to ask for direction. While we were up the hill, we talked a lot, with her friends as well. I had to slow down my pace quietly so that I would be in the same pace with the rest though I was not used to it. I looked at her quite often. While on the way down the hill, we talked and she mentioned about going for a conference. She invited me along but I couldn't because I knew my family wouldn't want me to waste money to go Singapore. One time while I went back to school for CF, I called her after I realized there isn't any CF meeting that day. She fetched me from school. We went for makan. I looked at her and wonder where can I find another girl like her. Such a beautiful friend. Then there were times we went for basketball game. She wanted me to teach her. I borrowed her my basketball although she hardly played. One time, she wanted me to take the MyKad with her. We went and eventually got lost and went to Kuala Kangsar. We spent the time in the car talking and laughing. Looking at her, there isn't anything else for me to worry about. One other time, she has to fetch the sister. I tag along.
But then that was like about a year ago. Time really flies. It's been about 10 months since I even had a word or a message from her. I was not her friend anymore. I guess I was just someone else in the past for her.
Everyday I woke up convincing myself that I'll forget about her. But deep down inside me, I knew I wouldn't wanna forget about her, not a single bit at all.
My first sight of her was in a restaurant in Jusco. Everytime I walked past that place, I wonder if I would just bump into her again but it was mere dream.
I recalled the first impression about her. Arrogant and stupid...maybe too autocratic as well. I wonder how come I badly fall into her now.
I tried to look for someone else that I could love, hopefully I could love that someone more. But then I realized deep in my heart, I carried a past with me that's too heavy...too much to let go.
Looking at her photos in her friendster, I wonder if she had find someone else better than me.
I was naive. I was immature. People told me that she just flirt around but to me, she was the one woman I would give my life to.
Thinking about the jokes we had, the arguments, the time we played guitar, the time we chatted on the phone, the time she came my house and just be with me, the time she would smsed me and told me how much she missed her dad and how much I wish I could helped her to see a love that is real at that time, the smile on her face...so beautiful that not even Angel can be compared with. Typing this blog...I wonder how is she now? Is she asleep? Did she get any better in her health? How is the image of God look like for her now? Did she ever looked at my friendster profile and wished to be able to erase this pain from me?
I felt my heart is cold, empty, alone and painful. There is a scar inside it. It seem to have heal but it hurts once in a while and that pain is indescribable. I closed my eyes to sleep and I see images of her once in a while. I remembered there was once I cried in my dream. I looked into my Bible and hopefully seeing some promises or assurance that God is going to open doors for this relationship but I only heard convincing words from my fellow friends to let go off her and that there are better woman out there.
I looked away from my Bible, prayed and hopefully a magic happen but a long silence is what I heard. I cried alone and wonder if there were going to be another way to erase this memory. What was it that will helped me move on?
I asked God for guidance but I realized the choice is within me. And this memory is too important for me to erase it. I tried to put these words into my blog and hopefully someone will come along and give me a solution that really will work.
I listened to some songs and I could heard the silently background of those music, there is another music. A music that is so bitter. That is so lonely...pleading for a chance from God to turn the table around. That music is also accompanied by a very beautiful memory. What a paradox is this? That music is of such beauty that as if Angels are singing it yet there were also a deep sorrow in it, a pain that is reflected in those memory and now.
I cried out...."God, where is that Angel? Is she an Angel of death or of life or is she both?" What is this that I'm asking? and then there were the picture of the Cross in all of these that I'm seeing...Jesus said, "it's ok. That pain is not too much to bear if u realize i'm going thru it with u. there's not a need to change like what ur friends have said. Leave that memory there. Learn to make sense of ur life by pulling others who are down up again. Remember that when I was on Earth I didn't forget all the memories I had with my disciples that betrayed me. Not even now. and i didn't forget about you."

No greater love than this...that a man lay down his life for a friend.
I sat here in awe...only finding one sentence to say..."I love you"
I'm not sure when I tried to utter those words, it's for God or for her but I knew it's not a selfish love that God is asking from me.
Living life to the full might not always be winning and getting the best all the time. Sometimes it could be giving the best...laying it down.
At least that's what Jesus did...laying down His life in a practical way.
Well, it's getting late and I just wanna said in this little space of mine:
I LOVE YOU

If we love somebody we could be this strong,
Strong enough to lose,
Strong enough to be weak,
Such is the paradox of love,
And because of this,
This love, I'll keep in my heart,
Allowing the memory in me to sink in slowly,
And if that day would come,
A new story would be written then...

2007-03-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

SEDIH YANG TAK BERUJUNG
When you left me trap in this game, I knew I lost...and lost terribly...

Saat menjelang hari-hari bahagiamu
Aku memilih tuk diam dalam sepiku
Saat mereka tertawa diatas pedihku
Tentang cintaku yang telah pergi tinggalkanku

Aku tak perduli
Sungguh tak perduli
Inilah jalan hidupku

Ini aku
Kau genggam hatiku
Simpan di dalam lubuk hatimu
Tak tersisa untuk diriku
Habis semua rasa di dada

Slamat tinggal kisah tak berujung
Kini ku kan berhenti berharap
Perpisahan kali ini untukku
Akan menjadi kisah
Sedih yang tak berujung

2007-03-07T03:15:00.000-08:00

Perasaan yang hilang, kini kembali bersemi
Semua kembali kurasakan saat kutatap dirinya
Seseorang yang slama ini kulupakan
Kini entah dapat kuhindari

Waktu yang t'lah terbuang, tak mampu merubah semua
Rasa cinta yang kurasakan, yang kekal abadi selamanya
Tapi itu hanya ilusi di hati
Aku tak bisa memilikimu

Aku mencintaimu hanya sebatas mimpi
Dan terlukiskan sentuhan di hati
Akankah ada cinta yang tersisa untukku
Yang mengungkapkan s'gala yang kurasa

Aku mencintaimu hanya sebatas mimpi
Dan meninggalkan luka di hatiku
Tak' kuasa kumencari cahaya di hatiku
Jika selain cinta yang t'lah pergi

Kini kutahu kau tak dapat kumiliki
Tak' ada ruang lain di hatinya

2007-03-02T04:24:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson - Earth Song

Music Code provided by Song2Play.Com

What about Earth? What about people? Is there a time for others?

2007-03-01T01:45:00.000-08:00

A meaningful journey thanks to a meaningful community...
The reason why we cry is because of the people around us. The reason why we argue is also because of the community we living in. The reason why we see war is because of people. But it is also the very reason why there can be laughter in our lives. It is also the very reason why we can look forward to each day with hope and meaning.

2007-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Looking at life in a new perspective...

It is late at night now but I took the time that I have to slowly reflect and wrote this blog while listening to a few wonderful nice friendship song. While there might be a lot of circumstances in life there are much more light than we actually could see at times.
While the many struggles I go through lately goodness, love, reality of God is very much visible to me through the people around me.
I have my parents that really do their best as parents. We might have disagreement but their care and love for me is shown to me everyday through the way my dad drove me here and there. My mom cook everyday and the way they would just provide for me.
Looking at my siblings, I see imperfection most of the time as I really know them to their heart but if I actually just look clearer there's much more goodness and love in them. Although my brother might seem to control me but he's doing his best so that I can be a better person in every way. The games we played together...it's fun. My sisters...they're there for me when I needed them although they might seem to be a lil annoying at times. But then again, they look at me as their lil bro and love is seen from the sacrifices they made for me.
Aren't all these reflective of God's nature?
Haha! Not only my family but my friends...ppl like Liang Hin. I can't thank him enough for showing me how to love. For being there to listen to me. For just allowing me to be weak at times and allowing me to grow at my own pace. The time we spent together cannot be replaced by any other material stuff...that's for sure. Even though we're close to the point of seeing one another's weakness the willingness to accept one another is something that we learn together. Thx bro!
Not only him...but ppl like Addie, Samuel, Karmen, Alicia, Jian Yao...I will honestly said this...my teenage years can only be meaningful because of you guys. The time we spent together...the jokes we talked about, be it crap or not...the conflict we had, the activities we do together...what else can i said? You guys shown me how to be genuine and sincere in loving. I'm proud to say that I've found true friends at this young age...haha!
Well, more to go...how can I miss out a friend of mine that can be a mother to me already since our age gap is that big...Aunty Lindy. Well, the advice she gave, the concern she shown, the way she carried herself...all full of responsibility and capability. Where else better to learn leadership than to know her? People like Aunty Esther, Uncle Cheow Leong, Lai Har and the rest of the leaders...I can seriously said that I'm not close with you guys. We might even have disagreement but as I asked God to humble me to see the bright sight of them, I can only thank them for being leaders to me throughout my youth time. Can't be who I am if not of them.
Not to forget brothers like Joash, Petrus, Matius, Jasper, Jian Aun, Chun Fai, Gavin, Jonathan Chiam, Xue Nian, Kian Lun, Edmond and others...what can I said but friendship with you guys are something that I treasure deep down inside. I knew that I'm not very close with you guys yet the moment we spent together doing things are fun. It just help me to be human and to have fun in life. And yah, people like Ally, Yoke Mun, Sharon, Melissa, Mun Yee, Yoke Kuan, Rocky, Sean Ooi, and others...time spent with you guys are not really that long...you guys left church too early compare to me...haha! but really, I thank you guys for being sincere as a friend. And though we might not be seeing one another for quite some time, I really wanted to say that I will not forget you guys. Not to forget about Wilson...haha! you guys rock!
Hmm...my lil brothers and sisters...haha! people like William, Benjamin, Daryl, Adrian, Benita, Amanda, Jean Li, Rachel, Samuel Lopez, David, Amanda Ong, Amanda Fong, Alyssa, Roxanne and others...these people just taught me what life is...being a child, doing things based on what they feel is right...curiosity and love in a simple way. The laughter I had with these people I hold dearly deep down inside.
Well, not to forget Allie, Eugene, Crystal and James...these guys were there for me at that point I needed a friend. still remember the Oasis conference I went...you guys really lifted my spirit at that time. The laughter, jokes and crap...and miss calls...haha! guys like these showed me that friendship don't need 2 or 3 years to build but it depends on how much one really wanted to be a friend.
School friends next...haha! Really, my teenage years were spent mostly in church and I hardly had any close close friends in school until I came back to SMI for Form 6. What can I said but I'm already missing school everyday now? Wonder what will happen when I leave school next time. Friends like William, Sai Mun, Guo Jian, Kumara, Keith, Kee Cheong, Chee Lupp, Wai Hin, and many others...I might have known them for a long time but I failed to be a friend in my lower secondary days but I thank God for the opportunity to undo my mistakes. Knowing these people help me to see that life is not just about good grades, blessings, church, and that school is much more interesting than I could imagine of. I don't know how life can be more wonderful but the presence of these people is enough to cheer me up.
Not to forget my close friends during my lower secondary...Nava, Alphonso, Ashok, Sai Mun, Kei Joe, Kok Hwa, JOMS, Heng Fai, Jonathan Thong, Jun Yee, Cheon Yuen, Au Yong...and others...life in school is full of jokes and fun because of you guys. Creativity is really in these ppl. somehow the conversation we had might just be something useless but there's much sincerity in it than those I heard many times in church. Haha! Thx guys for just being who you are.
Not to forgot about my new friends from other school...people like CC Dong, Boon Tat, Yen Leng, Sin Hau, Jessie, Kho Kha, Weng Yu, Siew Wei, Mei Ling, Carey, Hilyan, Tuck Yuan, Moses, Lingesh, Evon, Pei Pei, and many many others. You guys just struck me with your humour and sense of responsibility and love towards one another.
I used to hear in church that the world will be moved by seeing the love among Christians but I said God can turn this whole concept around but love is among the people around the world. Christians might just be moved to change some of their perspectives seeing a more sincere and bigger love than those they are doing. Sometimes the best way to love is stop all the preaching and just be there for one another and that I see in these group of friends.
The sarcastic laugher, the lame jokes, the self praise attitude, the pork chop titles and all those...come on...it might be silly and stupid but it's beautiful.
So is God still part of all these? I believe in every way it's a yes. Love for one another, being there for another, forgiveness, humility, self sacrifice, hope, doing good, justice, responsibility....isn't all these what Jesus came to teach? Am I that active in church now? Nope...but does that makes me any less passionate for God? That is up to God to define...=P
I'll only said that the world is only a wonderful place to live in when we stop looking at Heaven as just Heaven...that is a selfish thought...and let us not just think about what am I gonna get out of it? Can't we just spend a moment to think of those who don't have the opportunity to have such kind of friendship and blessing? I dunno bout theology, about the Word of God being true or not...I dunno about whether tomb being found lately is true or not about Jesus...I dunno...none of us can said for a definite yes that I know but if all that I mentioned just now about love can be real in our lives, why not we learn to focus on it and see Jesus in it.
What else can I said?
Haha!

2007-02-28T07:48:00.000-08:00

Friends

As I took some time to just reflect on the past I realize that the most meaningful part of my walk in this journey is the way the friendship that was built. Sometimes things are being done stupidly yet what makes it meaningful is that no matter what happens there's a group of friends being there to pull another thru.
I guess I'm quite emotional at the moment which makes me wanna post this song into my blog as well.
Just wanted to tell all my friends...thx for just being a friend. That's all I need from you.

2007-02-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

Hero

Theres a hero
If you look inside your heart
You dont have to be afraid
Of what you are
Theres an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And youll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Its a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And youll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Oh oooh
Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But dont let anyone
Tear them away, hey yeah
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
Youll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And youll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

That a hero lies in you
Mhhh
That a hero lies in
You

2007-02-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

"Stay The Same"

I was listening to this song...and then it came into my mind that a lot of times in life, we tend to change the people around us into someone we want them to be. I only wanted to apologize to my frenz and those closest to me if there were times I tried to change you. I wanted you to know that I wanted you to be who you are...no matter how different we can be.

Don't you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same,
cuz there's nothin' 'bout you I would change.

me and rena

I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.

me and my close buddies

Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You'll make it through.t it show you the way.

my family...i love them!

I dunno how else better can I express my love to my family, my frenz and those around me. There are times we hurt one another...there is really a need to change for better in each of us but even if you stay the same, despite of the weakness we all have, I wanted to assure that life has never been the same knowing all these people...making me into someone better each day.
I love you guys!

2007-02-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

PICK IT UP

I was blind but now I see
Love has got a hold on me
Now I sing cause I am free

18th bday...new path...

So I am laying down my life
And I'm taking up my cross

I just woke up...wat a way to celebrate bday!

I'm taking up my cross
Laying down my life
All for the glory of Your Name

Welcome to my life....haha!

I'm living my whole life
All for you Jesus
Taking up my cross everyday

It's good to take time to just reflect...it makes one stronger

I was lost
Now I'm found
You put my feet on solid ground
Now I sing cause I'm free

History makers...a fine good example....haha!

I choose to stand for my generation...

2007-02-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

The road less travelled...

It's easy to talk about being different...
About making difference.
Reality tells another story.
It can be more than painful...it can sometimes be impossible.
Love...word so big that sometimes we misused it.
Friendship...sometimes being treated as an advantage.
Success...sometimes bring with it selfishness...
Money is needed for good use yet can be a dangerous tool.
Growing into 19 this year,
I wonder what will happened in the coming years.
Relationship, friendship, love, money, success, grace...
How will it look like to me in the days to come?
Will it still be possible that I am still who I am today?
Change will take place...but what kind of change?
What road am I taking?
A different road that will make a difference??
And what sort of difference...
So much questions...so much uncertainties..so much doubt....
I think the road less travelled is not about dreaming big only...
But about being simple

Doing what I can for others...
Cleaning up, Studying, Listening to my friends' problems, Buying gifts, lunch or breakfast, responsible to others, Willing to lose, Ready to say sorry, Willing to spend time having fun with my friends and family...

While it's not something big but simple yet when there's a need to be consistent in doing so, that's when the difficult part is.
There are times I failed...but I know I can alwys climb up again...
This road can be full of joy,
Can also be full of pain and loneliness...
It's not about getting the best result
But to bear a fruit that one know is meaningful along this journey...
Will I be willing to take this road?

I dun need great or popular friends...
I need friends that are willing to walk thru this path with me
Even when it's cold,
Scary...uncertain...and tiring

2007-01-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

An article read early in the morning today...so how do we respond to people with such experience?

I can remember as far back to the 2nd grade where my first bullying encounter happened. If only I knew then that being called “four-eyed freak” would have been nothing to what I would be called only five years later, I would’ve been more thankful. Of course I didn’t know what was going to happen in the future. I think those very first small insulting comments about me having my new glasses are what affected my self-esteem as a teenager now.

It seemed as every year passed I had one person pick on me. After I had repeated the 2nd grade and moved on to 3rd grade, I decided to not be stepped on that year. That I would be the one showing who’s bigger and better. For the whole entire 3rd grade year, I bullied a girl in my class.

In 4th grade, I was still a bitter, mean girl at times, but later became a rather sweet, lovely girl. I still had those random faults that people would make fun of but I tried to laugh with them.

5th grade was a good year and I started to feel better about myself; it was then where the sad news came. I struggled a lot with my classes but I don’t recall being insulted by anyone nor having insulted anyone. No more elementary school; it’s now for middle school.

Middle school went great; I was in a brand new school district so I had a whole new slate to make brand new friends. I decided to be the goofy kid of the class which totally backfired on me. I was seen as the weirdo and strange kid. A few guys called me “moustache girl” and I always felt like the ugly girl with glasses. My mom had helped me get rid of the upper lip issue which was great but then of course me being my clumsy self, got joked on and such. Of course I tried to laugh with them but wasn’t that easy. At the end of the school year a girl had asked if me I was a lesbian and I was totally baffled and said, “No, why do you ask?” It turned out that because my best friend and I were so close, people thought we were lesbians.

I think the 7th grade was a great, yet horrible year in my life. I was starting to discover my love and talent for writing but was also discovering something else; my sexuality. Over the summer I had met a lovely girl named Cassie and she and I started dating. I then decided to come out to a few friends who gladly accepted me being a bisexual. I then told a friend of mine who is a big Christian and not so fond of gays and lesbians. I told her and begged her not to tell a soul. Of course, I should’ve known not to trust her because she told two friends of ours that told some others that told some others and so on. Before I knew it the whole 7th grade knew about my sexuality and having a girlfriend.

Their reaction was horrible. The guys of course found it great and wanted to be my friend, while on the contrary the girls found it gross and treated me like dirt. I was insulted and made fun of. It was a living nightmare. I remember that I went on my bus, thinking the bullying was over but it even continued on the bus. Then I had returned home and would talk to my supportive friends and girlfriend. Then my mother wasn’t so fond of my sexuality either, and gave me a bit of a rough time also.

During that time all I could think of was how I was going to escape, how I was going to get out of this hell hole. The thought of suicide came to mind and I decided to try to take an overdose. The next day at school I sent my friend a note in class and we sent it back and forth until the teacher caught us. She read it and asked us to stay after school. She had contacted my mom saying that I might be having a small issue. I had to then find an explanation, and of course my school didn’t know about me and my sexuality, so I simply told everyone that it’s because of my family situation at home.

After that school year, my mom and I moved to France to live with my stepdad. I have had a few rude remarks said to me at my school because of me being part American and for being big poi trine than the other girls. Of course nowadays, I try to keep to myself about my sexuality and such. Only three of my friends here know about me being bisexual. I think of what I have been through and how I’m still sometimes treated, and I don’t think I’ll be able to trust anyone nor understand why I was treated such a way when I was in 7th grade. I thought about why my best friend and other friends and I were treated awfully. I thought about how me crying in front of them was their pure pleasure.

I’m lucky to have left the USA and come here to get a new start at things. But, that doesn’t change what I have been through and the memories that I have — the nightmare of people at my school finding something wrong with me and to be made fun of. It’s like running from a wild animal trying to kill you and it’s only a few yards away.

So tell me what's it to love?
If we can only look with disgust at someone who might be a bi or with a different sexuality preference, then what's really love?

2007-01-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

A special day because of a special reason...

Well, gonna miss ya lots! Keep in touch k?

Cute soft toy...

Hanging out before being scolded by some "leader"...haha!

I remember Jusiong is the one tat took the photo...haha!

Our group...we should win...it's bright day light robbery obviously tat took away tat first place...wat a camp...haha!

Frenz for life...

A fine example of what cool is...haha!

I guess I can't find a better way to make this day any more special than recording it in my blog. Take care in Australia!

2007-01-08T03:16:00.000-08:00

Where is the love?

Haha! It's been a new phase of journey in 2006. Been experiencing a lot of realities that got me questioning where's the love. Haha! Was listening to this song that really make sense to me at this point....Black Eyed Peas: Where is the love?

Terrorists attack...what is love in this?

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like ain't got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

People dying of hunger...and we're arguing who's the real God

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

For what the money invested on all these??

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

Heal the world...is it still possible?

Will the cross still be of any meaning to the outcasts?? What have we done as the disciples of Christ?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)

It got me got me questioning indeed as I seen the hypocrisy and insensitivity of us to see those rejected among us. I can't do big things for the poor neither can I do anything spectacular for the outcasts but I pray that as I learn to engage in the lil communities around me to be part of the "rejected" stories.
Maybe just as the song says I gotta keep my faith alive until love is found.
AMEN!

2007-01-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

Making sense of my faith...

Honestly it's really tough to find a community where you can find comfortable to just be doubtful about your own faith...to ask questions...to learn to connect to God in different ways.
Anyway while the need for tat community I also have to learn to live what I believe in while trying to find one of those community. As school started this year, I realize that there can be a community where I can connect in outside church as well, a community that will help me to see God in a broader perspectives.

The more I grow the more I realize that church can be really without walls if we learn to see the little communities around us. I began to believe in what Jesus said, when two or three gather in My name, I'll be in their midst. I guess it's not about having a cell groups but just a casual group gather together, hang out together to learn how to make sense of our faith...on how to be a blessing to others...doing things together.

Hmm...I believe that it's a great opportunity to learn to see God in ways that can be more simple now that I'm not that active in church. Sometimes serving God can be very different from serving church...haha! something that I learn throughout my life in church.
For me to have more time at home means I get to help my mom with the housework and i actually did, more consistent than I usually did as I have more time. Mopping the floor, help to dry clothes, washing dishes...all these things that I did I believe is being real with what I believe in. I think love really have to start from home...if not what's the point of talking about it all the time? It's also more meaningful as I spent time celebrating for my friends' bday, learning to connect with people that find no meaning in church anymore, hang out with friends just for that sake (just being a friend), study together, encourage one another and many many more.
I think that I'm finding meaning here and there, trying to see what is good and make sense to me besides singing in church or preaching or teaching all the time.

Well, it's still a very uncertain journey, trying this here and there...haha! but I'm seeing a more beautiful and meaningful journey ahead.

2007-01-03T06:30:00.000-08:00

let's not forget this place
let's not neglect our race
let unity become
life on earth be one
so let me take your hand
we are but grains of sand
born through the winds of time
given a special sign

so let's take a stand
and look around us now people
let's take a stand
and look around us now people

eeyea oh eeyea oh eeyea oh by yah
to a different beat
eeyea oh eeyea oh eeyea oh by yah

humanity's lost face
let's understand its grace
each day one at a time
each life, including mine

let's take a stand
and look around us now, people
so let's take a stand
and look around us now,
people oh people, oh people

eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, by-yah
to a different beat
eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, by-yah

i've seen the rain fall in africa
I've touched the snow of alaska
I've felt the mist of niagara
now I believe in you

eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, by-yah
to a different beat
eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, eeyea-oh, by-yah
to a different beat

how far we've come
and how far to go
rain does not fall
on one roof alone
to a different beat

2006-12-27T04:27:00.000-08:00

More photos on Christmas day...

Amanda Yap and me...looks cool with our bags?? haha!

Addie, Yoke Kuan and me...who's the coolest?

Me and Rena...thx for the dog! love it lots!

Addie, Jusiong and me...(Jusiong was doing his thing again)

Benita and me...is she cute? dun be jealous!

Sharene and me...she's a sweet sister! =P

Me and Kay Lynn...hearts on fire! Keep tat up!

Alicia Yap and me...the girl with the best character i've ever met

I suppose that when we celebrate the birth of Jesus, the first thing that comes into our mind is the love of God that chose to be nothing for us, and called us His frenz. Let us be reminded of the importance of friendship and let it be part of Christmas celebration...so I wanted to post more photos...an important reminder of love and friendship...

I really wanted to thank God for this year Christmas as I celebrated it in a more meaningful way. I did not go out for party during Christmas eve but spent the night celebrating with my family. I guess sometimes while we get caught up being busy outside, we might neglect those closest to us at home. It reminds me of the quotations from Mother Teresa that said:
Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.

While I was looking back the years, I've seen how much I've failed in loving those closest to me. I can only said sorry for the failures in me and learn to be a better child and brother. There are times that we've seen mega churches celebrate Christmas in a big and grand style, which sometimes can take away the meaning of Christmas. Carolling, drama, songs and many many others yet if we only realize that we can oso be embracing Christmas by being a blessing to the family, by being just around to love.
Somehow this Christmas a lot of quotations from Mother Teresa just came into my mind...
Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

Maybe one of the best way to celebrate Christmas is to be there for the family and friends without ever getting tired.

My brother, getting ready for BBQ!!

Bro, grandma and me...

This is me and my Xmas tree...muax!

Shouting like mad...at 0000...we rock the neighbourhood!

Me and Jovian...love ya!

I guess this Christmas is one I celebrated in a more meaningful way than the usual celebration I have. It reminded me of love in a more practical sense than mere words...well, I guess it's the best way I can keep this as memory...haha!

To my friends and family, I love you guys!
You've been a blessing and it's in you that I learned more about God.
Thank you!

2006-12-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

MeRRy CHriSTmAs!!

Me and Samuel Choo...

Addie and me...

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ but if we only take time to reflect on tat perspective, we'll realize that there isn't much to celebrate about. Christians would have known tat there was no room for Joseph and Mary on the night Jesus was born. There was not enough room for Jesus and so they had to stay in a manger. It was at this thought tat I realize that sometimes we too have not enough room for those around us, for them to be different, to be who they are. These photos with my friends remind me that everyone is different yet special still. Love you guys lots...

Jao Ern, Me, Samuel Choo, Jian Yao, and Jonathan Lam...merry XMAS!

Sam C, Addie, Matius, Petrus, Jao Ern and me...Matius trying to kiss the cameraman...who was it again?? haha!

I guess one of the ways to celebrate Xmas is oso to celebrate friendship tat was built along this journey...and yah...frenz...you mean a lot to me.

Me and Jian Ai...she's trying hard to smile, i know...haha!

Jasper and I...we're the attraction instead of the tree...it proves something...mankind is more important than decoration...love u, Jasper!

Benita...sayang u lots! take care sis!

Yoke Kuan, me and Samuel...it's lunch time...haha!

There are still many photos I've yet to put on my blog...will post next time...but all these frenz of mine...they are really different in terms of mentality, perspectives and characters...yet these people are people tat came into my life and help me see that this world can be a better place if we learn to give of ourselves every bit and maybe tat's wat Christmas is all about.

2006-12-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

Superman...MAN OF STEEL

It's funny as I was captured by a lot of new thoughts lately and I came to think of "superman". I wonder how Clark Kent would feel having to go through all the SUPERHEROES journey alone. I knew I am not as good as a Superhero but sometimes this journey can be rather lonely and sometimes painful and tiring. I wonder if that's why he get to have super powers in order for him to overcome those struggles. It must have been difficult for him to remain as "Clark" as he has to be clumsy and weak while the fact that he is strong and awesome. Those heroic act was left unknown to his friends. At this point I began to realize that sometimes the best act of love and noble action can be left unnoticed and worse still, we might be looked as those who "fall out of this journey". I guess that's the price to pay sometimes as one chose to sincerely and honestly seek God. Maybe the symbol of SUPERMAN is strength but let us not neglect the symbol of the very ordinary CLark KEnt...

2006-12-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

Changing the name of the blog...

I was just sitting through, typing out some reflection and emailed to a friend. Somehow I just randomly pick a friend to send that mail to. Well, probably I'm at a point where I am uncertain bout lots of stuff...
Today, for the first time, I really took time to think about my future...what I really want? and imagining life in a whole new way. Trying to get myself a new perspective...a new window of looking at things but I guess just as a good friend of mine has been telling me...to have new view we must first tear down our settled perspectives. Probably it's difficult to do that because when I did that I'm stepping into a new dimension which is totally a stranger to me. But guess life without all these can't be of any interest or excitement right?
I used to put the name of this blog...journey of life....but decided to change the name because I felt that if I still have that same mindset about this journey I can't really explore far enough. So decided to give this blog a new name....

UNSETTLED JOURNEY

I find it meaningful to relook at life...reflect on the past and understand life from that stage of life and learn to move in a new understanding. Taking on a new platform for me to serve God and be a blessing to others. I must admit that for me to think of all these ain't something that is cool but kinda frightening and confusing. Everything seem so blur but as I try to get myself looking ahead, I realize that things can be even more uncertain.
The questions of life, love and hope...and how to make sense of it all with Jesus being the centre of it all...sometimes just seem so blur.
I wonder if I'll burn out along this journey but I realize that I must live by what I am convicted of. What's in me cannot be replaced by what's taught or given by others but again what's in me is also very much shaped by the culture and tradition I live in. Yet as I move ahead of this journey, the encounter with other culture and tradition or perspectives might need me to tear down that wall of prejudice in which a mindset that always tells me that "I'm correct". That mentality need to be changed and be flexible. The uncertainty in life might make me a better person as I seek to be relevant to those around me.
So, what about TRUTH?
Hmm...am I uncertain about TRUTH as well?? Maybe yes or maybe not. I'm just trying to be fair and willing to go and explore GOD in a muddled dimension. Maybe this is what was meant to be...imagination, exploration, feeling, understanding....and in balancing it, we might just find ourselves having one more reason to love...
Haha! i guess i'm really at a state of uncertainty. Still very unsettled with what I want. Maybe it is good and might help me to start this journey fresh. Fresh while I am still young...

Let this be my prayer O Lord that I might be sincere in loving, in seeking You. It is not about getting it right neither is it about proving others wrong but to keep challenging those around us to continue to seek You and tear down the wall of religion that limit you. Let imagination, feeling and thoughts be submit unto You and let our actions speak louder than our words. There are times we failed, times that we get it wrong but let us keep relearning and in this muddled world, let Your love and grace shine through our boldness to be different, to be human and to be willing. Teach me to love those who are different from me...teach me to be humble when I am not...teach me to forgive those who hurt me...teach me to love the unlovable...teach me to be who I am and yet like You....teach me to continue on this unsettled journey of life...AMEN!

2006-12-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

UNSETTLED MIND

some days i am not sure what i believe
if it is god
or christ
or some thing else.
i do believe in peace
i believe that there are beautiful people
who are seeking out this thing
they call kingdom
it's here
apparently
some times i have a hard time seeing this
at churches
other times it is just simply there
perhaps people get in the way
perhaps i get in the way
there is some thing out there.
that is what i believe.

2006-12-17T10:11:00.000-08:00

Been listening to
Lonely day

I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't go back to bed
It was gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Even though the sun is shining down on me
And I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody know what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day

I guess this song best describe what this struggling soul is going through....a lonely day...a lonely journey at times...a painful one...if only people know what is going on...if and if only...

2006-12-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

Frolicking in a muddled dimension
ChApter 2: Dan's past...

It was on a Friday when Natalie invited Dan to her Christian Fellowship gathering. Bill was away with his family for a Christmas vocation. Dan was reluctant to go to the gathering as he knew some of the people there who were used to be in the same church as he while he was still very much involved in church. Although Natalie and Dan were close, Natalie has never understand the reason that caused Dan to convert into Buddhism. Natalie knew that it was not the right timing to ask but she felt the need to reach out to Dan.

"You know what, Nat. I really don't feel like going cause some personal issues. I hope you can understand me," Dan was trying to refused the invitation.
"Come on. It's just a party. I mean Christmas...you would love to celebrate with your friends right? Besides you'll get to know new people right? It's just one night. After all, there won't be any preaching also. It's just for us to get to know one another," Nat was still insisting on Dan going.

After much persuasion, Dan agreed to go with a condition that he'll leave if he feel uncomfortable that night.

On the night of Christmas eve, Dan appeared in the house where Nat and her Christian friends were gathering. Dan knew quite a number of students there and some of them approached him just as he entered the house.

"Hey, Dan! How are you?"
"Erm...yah! I'm great. Living as I used to be."
"You're not in church already right?"
"Erm...I don't wish to talk about it if you don't mind. Hope you'll understand it, Jay."

Just as more and more of his former church members approached him, Nat came to Dan and helped him avoid some of the questions that he don't felt like talking about it.
After the long night, Dan and Natalie left.

"So how was it, Dan? You enjoyed the night?"
"Erm...it was kinda fun with the games and sharing stuff. It's just that I'm no longer a Christian you see. And it's weird for me to listen to all your sharings. Not that I doubted all of it fully. It's just that I've changed. I hope you understand me, Nat," Dan responded to Natalie while he drove them back home.
"Why don't if we go for a drink? After all, it's Christmas right?" Nat asked Dan hoping for a yes as an answer.
"Haha! Of course. Not a problem. I'm kinda hungry too after hearing all of your friends' sharing," Dan told Nat.

After Dan and Natalie ordered their drinks and food, they began talking. Natalie was surprised because it was Dan that initiated the conversation to his past.

"Do you want to know why I actually leave Christianity and am a Buddhist today?" Dan asked Natalie as soon as they done with the orders.
"Erm...yah...I was actually curious. It was just that I didn't know how to ask you," Natalie responded without thinking much as she has been thinking of asking Dan for some time.
"I was into this relationship with a girl who is a Buddhist and her name is Lynn. She was a strong Buddhist and we started our relationship after a year knowing one another. When I started this relationship, my youth leaders were totally against it because they realize that I began to go to temple. But I was in no way thinking of conversion back then because all I wanted to do is to try to understand my girlfriend and that includes her faith. It was then that my youth leaders started coming to me telling me that I should reconsidered my position in the church as a leader. They told me that I should stop serving as the relationship I was having back then might influenced the other youths in the church. I tried to convince them that I was still faithful in my religion and of course, I believe in dating evangelism. Probably I was wrong but none of the leaders were really there to understand the relationship I was in back then. I was basically abandoned. All that my leaders concern was that I turn to God and that's it. It was three months before my exam that Lynn met with an accident. Throughout the time that she was in hospital, I called my leaders, prayed to God and even told my pastor. They came to visit and prayed for healing but nothing really work. Lynn was in a coma after the car accident. It was a tragedy that changed my life I must said. She was knocked down by a motorcyclist while walking back home from school. A day before she passed away, I was in the hospital with her family members. They didn't mind Christians coming to visit as they were hoping for miracles in everyway. That night I called my leaders to come and pray for the family but they were having prayer meeting in the church. My mentor told me that he'll come for visit after the prayer meeting. And he did but it was a bit too late. Of course I was very bitter at that point. Nothing work for me. I stopped church entirely and although I still received calls from my leaders, I must said that I doubted God a lot at that point of my life. After about a month, I tried to get back to church and it was during this sermon that I knew I cannot embrace in this religion any longer. The pastor was preaching about the way to Heaven and the Good News and that only those who believe will enter Heaven. I struggled as I wonder if Lynn would be in Heaven. I questioned my leaders and they told me that I was just being too emotional at that moment. But I can't believe in something that I struggle to believe. It was then that I leave church and started attending classes about Buddhism which Lynn used to invite me to go. I find myself more comfortable there and eventually I convert into Buddhism. And that was my story,"

Dan was crying when he finished talking about the reason he left Christianity. Natalie did not know what was the right word to say. She knew that there are many times that she did ask questions about God. And the answers given were not entirely convincing but she was taught to believe and when she did, miracles will happen. There was a long silence while Dan cried and Natalie sat and trying to understand.

"Dan, I don't fully understand your struggle because what you went through were deeper than what my answers can tell you. But I promise to be there for you as a friend."

End

So did Dan actually make the right decision? I guess sometimes life ain't that simple. If I were to be in his place, I doubted if I will still be a Christian. It's not about me saying I believe and I believe and that's it. There are times that we might come to a point where things don't seem to fit in. And the "Good News" we so proudly wanted to preach, is it really a "Good News" to those around us? How can God make sense here?
Maybe as I learned to write stories, I'll be able to understand what it means to glorify God when nothing make sense anymore. Hmm...journey of life...well, hope the story keep you thinking.

2006-12-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

You Are 68% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

2006-12-06T23:07:00.000-08:00

The passion for people...where to start??

It was as if something just strike my mind as I get myself relax and listen to some World Cup songs...haha! I know it's outdated but it's nice. =P
At this point, I was somehow astounded by how creative the mind of mankind can be. It's funny how someone can just come out with a football game that today is one of the main attraction around the world. A game that indeed gather all the people to just sit and watch especially during the World Cup season. Haha!
And it came to my mind at the same time about being relevant to people. Honestly I knew I lack creativity to start some events or activities in engaging with other people. Phew...what to do? not everyone have the same gift right?
But anyway I realize that creativity just needed to start from something small. Who would have thought a round ball can be one of the main attraction today?
Who would have thought man can fly if not because of the two Wright brothers who think the right way? Who would have thought man can communicate with others from far away if not of those who dare to be different, think of the Bell, think of how the internet come about?
It all just strike me that "Hey! you dun need something BIG...something special....you just need that heart and willingness...the boldness and courage to be different, to be what you are convicted of."
How can there be a MOTHER THERESA if not of her boldness in her younger days? Somehow it just begin to make more sense to me....
ADIDAS...IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.
Maybe it's true...it's only when there's nothing in that heart that it is impossible to make a difference.
At this point I realize what I can do with just my guitar...i can play songs to the poor, to those at the road side if only I were daring enough.
What is there to celebrate in Christmas if there is no compassion for those around us? If i can't do something big, I can just give a kiss to my parents and I'm being different here. I'm being a blessing. In fact, I don't have to do it big....I can just take a walk with my friends and help some who are in need by buying lunch or dinner. How creative do I need to be do glorify God?? Haha! I guess creativity needs to come with the heart right?
The more I talk about it, the more I find it to make sense. But how ironic is it if I just left it stop here...words cannot replace with works. I guess I need to just look around my house and help out in whatever way I can and then that's when I see what's next.
For now, let's get going with that passion.
SMILE!

2006-12-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
May this day be a blessing to you in every way.

Sincerely,
Kian HIn

2006-11-28T02:39:00.000-08:00

SOME thoughts and views...

There are a lot of things that is running through my mind at the moment and I wish to share with my brothers. I think I'll start with the sharing of the Leadership Training Course that was held last week in Penang for the Michaelian Prefectorial Board. I must said through the camp, I learned a lot of things, esp about friendship, brotherhood, love and of course leadership itself.
I can't help but to recall back the beautiful memorise I spent with my brothers and sisters. The songs we sang together and is still being sung today by us through our lives. The theme song is awesome. Despite the diversities among each and every single one of us, love and acceptance were there and are still in our lives today.
I pray that this friendship will be an inspiration to us as we move on in this journey. Well, there are many different voices among us but we're all like a traveler, travelling on this same journey...the journey of life.
Back to reality after the camp, the spirit and enthusiasm still burn deep in my heart. I remembered the very heritage of my beloved school...how the La Sallian brotherhood came about. Because of a man being moved with compassion for the last, the least and the lost.
On Monday, while taking my bus back after the extra class, I saw these four brothers who are Indians. They're not rich and from their attitudes, it's obvious they're going to hang out and I'm rather sure they just put on their best with all the probably cheap perfume. I saw the way they dress, trying to look acceptable and cool, with the fake watches that they wore. When the bus conductor collect money from them, the older brothers took out all the coins they have. And obviously i see the bus conductor showing some displeasant look, as she has to count the money properly. Somehow at that point I was really moved by the brothers. I realize that there are many out there that are not that bad, it's just that they don't have the opportunity to live the life we live and that they've been brought up in a very negative environment. Poverty and negative influences surround them probably. I knew that I've failed living a life of love and grace. At that point, I was discouraged by my own actions a lot of time. And I realize how easy is it to speak of love and how much more difficult when come to living it.
I pray that this passion keep burning deep within and that life will be more than speech but actions and love becomes real to the community around my life.
But one thing I realize, I'm learning everyday, bit by bit...to be a better friend to those around me.
Today, I watched the Twins Effect 2 again. Somehow as I watched the movie, the last words by the main actor, Jaycee Fong to his lover, Gillian Chung which somehow struck me on what is it that I'm facing in this journey.
"I love you, love you until I don't have time to be a king."
It struck me at this love, simple yet selfless and willing to sacrifice. Imagine if one day I were given an opportunity to be a King, will I let go off that for someone I proclaim to love?
I acknowledge that I've failed in many ways to love people that I proclaim to love. But throughout this journey, there are things that I pick up along the way.
Even as I finished watching this movie, my heart think of someone that mean a lot to me. I wonder if I can move on to another love story. I struggled in letting go off the memories that settled deep inside my heart. I knew that I'm still learning but I guess I'm willing to be faithful in this journey.

I knew that I've found a whole new meaning of life...choosing this path in this journey is what will define who is really me...KIAN HIN.
I made a mind from day 1 that I'll live a life of meaning and beliefs despite of the results. Because it's the choices I made that bring me into this journey today.

A journey that need to be continued on with fresh thoughts and views...a long more to go...one full of mysteries and uncertainties yet also with meaning.

2006-11-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

ANGEL
a translation from a chinese song...

In the mirror, I see a strange face
A faded look in the eyes
Smiling is only a twisted movement of the lips
My loneliness, who can understand?
Like a boat rocking in the sea
Even the North Star cannot be seen
Who can set sails and forever leave this dark lake?

Angel Angel, longing for you to be by my side
Angel Angel, please hold my hand tightly

Sometimes I think nobody can truly understand
All the pain I harboured inside
Fearful of using a sincere heart to face the world
Instead I have become more and more silent
A person (a person) floating in the sea
The person who is talking cannot be seen
Who can give me a warm (embrace me) embrace?
When I feel my heart beginning to break

Angel Angel, longing for you to be by my side
Angel Angel, can you hear me calling you?
Please tell a tired and lonely me
That you will always be waiting

Angel Angel, please stay by my side
Angel Angel, never let go of my hand

2006-11-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

When lingualogy, craptology, and story telling get into you, you just become a new person.
Gosh!
So, if you think you know me, think again ok?

Today I was prompted to share a story with the rest of the world. It's a story about friendship, love and the struggles to make sense in this world. It's a partially true story plus some add in-s. Haha! The first chapter of a new story entitled
"Frolicking in a muddled dimension"

Chapter 1: Starting anew

Bill step into his college for the first time with a loathsome thoughts. He knew that he don't have much choice but to continue his studies in a college although he dislike the idea of being apart from his new girlfriend, Ann. He first met Ann during their Christian camp together. Everyone knew that the two of them would somehow start something. However as Ann further her studies in Harvard University, Bill were to continue his studies in his hometown, Smallville. Bill were still disturbed as his last meeting with Ann didn't turn out so nicely. The both of them think differently about Christianity and Ann believe that it's time to move on. She felt that it's not the right time to start a relationship.

"Does this mean break-up or what?" These are the thoughts running through Bill's head at the moment.

The building of the college is simple and nothing really grand about it besides a few statues in the main building.

"Hey, are you a new student here?", there came a voice from the back as Bill was about to decide to just skip the registration and go home. Bill turned around and was surprised to see a young girl asking him that question. Bill does not want anyone to know that he's leaving after just come in. So he decided to keep the conversation going.

"Ahem! Yah...do you know where is the registration for Economics studies? By the way, I am Bill.", Bill feel a bit weird at the idea of lying about wanting to register.

"Great. I'm also planning to take that course. I've just met a new friend who will be coming later to introduce the college to me. Erm...actually you looked kinda familiar. Are you the guy that was always in and out of the church? And yah...nice to meet you. I am Natalie.", the girl replied.

"Well, yeah. I used to be. Nice to meet you too."
"You used to be? What about now? Never mind. Here comes my friend, Dan. Come, let's go and meet up with him."

After the introduction, they eventually go for the registration. Nothing much that Bill can do to avoid himself from registering with his new found friends. The day ended with some satisfaction for Bill as he found his new friends to be friendly and caring. They actually went for a drink after the registration. During that time, they realize that they are actually all active and youth leaders in their own churches.

What Bill does not know is that this friendship will eventually change his life....but who knows, this meeting might just change the lives of his new friends as well, Dan and Natalie.

A few months past by and Dan, Natalie and Bill grew closer as they spent most of their time together. The three of them have a lot of similarity yet the difference between them are so much more than they could think of.
Although the three of them were used to be strong believers in Christianity, three of them were at a new phase of their faith. Dan leave this religion that he embraced for 19 years as he convert into Buddhism while Bill actually stop going into church for a few months as he struggled to find meaning in Christianity. Natalie is still very active in her local church and believes that miracles still happen despite the financial problem her family currently is facing with.

So maybe there is a new start for all three of them in this new journey into adulthood.

So starting anew for these three new friends.

Hmm...I hope that the same goes for those struggling out there with their faith, problems or finding it difficult to fit in into a community. That they will learn to start anew. Not ignoring the problems but by learning to engage and grow out of it everyday.

2006-11-17T03:16:00.000-08:00

It's called HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT....

Find this word rude??? haha! it's a newly formed language....called

KianHin-ish!

The ISH factor as well as the HYPE of coming out with new words just get into me lately. Haha! So i've been playing with words...haha!

The word evaporate will be known as "sip sui" for me. Haha!
Childish shall be pronounce in this way...Child-ish....
For those craps and talks tat irritates me...i called it "hypocritical BULLSHIT"
Haha! if someone were to meet up with me just to counsel me...i shall name it, "HYPOCRITICAL LECTURES"

For my happening lifestyle...oops...super perasan case here, I shall name my lifestyle as ISH...meaning...INTERESTING n SUPER HAPPENING!
haha! I will call myself ISH...Indispensable SUPER HUMAN!! wah...i'm so proud of myself...
For those ppl tat offend me, i shall jokingly tell it to their face...you're such an ISH, which means INSENSITIVE SELFISH HOMOSAPIEN....wahaha!

Hmm...sleepish shall be a word in my DICTIONARY....haha! With other words like...NERDISH!
Haha!
It's just gettin into me...haha!
DOINKISH!
OMG! I'm just so crazy...haha! well, mayb it's just great to be crazy and CRAPPISH once a while rite...well, if u think this is just a "HYPOCRITICAL BULLSHIT" part of the blog, u're wrong...coz i'll be using more of these words lately....haha! so get used to it.

The funny thing about using all these sort of words is tat I get to overcome the complaints and sarcastic comment on my Cantonese pronunciation.

Hmm...so eventually I shall learn to speak the way I want it...haha! and naming it the KIANHINish language...haha! a new factor on how I respond next time....the ISH factor...haha!

reminds me of an ANGEL...haha! she taught me tat word....although i noe it's like kinda outdated....=P

Lalalala (also another word taught by her)....haha! if u hear this from me, it means i'm ignoring u. SO i'm ignoring about wat ppl said bout outdate.
It's just me....
haha!....some ppl said I very (7+1) but I think curiosity is better than naivity....haha!
curiostiy kills a cat....i said

NAIVITY KILLS A MAN
....OMG...i better stop...i'm going crazy!

2006-11-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!

Today I did something very bad...I scolded my beloved "donkey".
Feel very bad...dunno what else that I can do better to ask for forgiveness than to post in the very own blog of mine.

Hope that you'll forgive me that this friendship will continue to blossom.

I promise to treat you better everyday, k? It's a learning process right? Haha!

I'm sorry for scolding you for something you didn't do,
I'm sorry that I'm being too impatient,
I'm sorry that I didn't notice that this "donkey" is sincere in this friendship,
I'm sorry for being just too ME and ignoring you to be YOU,
I'm sorry...for being a lame friend,
I'm sorry for many things...
All I can said is I love you, friend!
And I promise to learn to see you through instead of see through your weakness,

2006-10-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

KENANGAN TERINDAH...

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
Yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itu pun
Aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

Darimu...
Kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku...
Kau lah cinta sejati

Ooh...

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang tlah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

Ooh...

Cinta yang tidak akan membuahkan hasil...mengapa aku masih enggan melepaskannya?
Apakah dewi yang membawa kenangan terindah berubah menjadi dewi yang menghancurkan hati ini yang tidak tahu arah tuju lagi??
Di manakan cinta sejati?
Apakah itu cinta?
Di mana rasa itu lagi?
Apakah aku telah sesat?
Pimpinlah aku ke arah tuju yang betul...ke arah mana cinta sejati kekal...

2006-10-31T01:14:00.000-08:00

SOMETHING DARK INSIDE ME...

Have you ever look at yourself and be real enough to think tat you're good? Haha! I still remember most ppl tat I met telling me I have tat "goody" kind of look. Hmm...innocent face can be deceiving. I guess everyone of us have something selfish, dark inside us...n as I see thru myself with honesty, I must admit there are dark and evil in me.
Not tat everything in me is dark...haha! i still see so much beautiful picture in my life...yet i must said, it's a continuous effort in our lives to be a blessing to others.
But this time around, I'm just here to say that there's something dark in me...n so, I'm still learning how to die to myself and be like Christ....a faith journey tat leads me to humble myself everyday...=P

2006-10-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

An AWESOME BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!

Thx guys! you make my world a brand new one. =P.
Hmm...just wanted to put how I gone thru my birthday celebration with every person that mean so much to me.

Celebration with family...
My family celebrated my bday in advance as we went to Cameron. It was on Tuesday...on the 24th October where else my bday is 28th. But one thing that really touch me, they put in what they can to do a surprise for me. This time around, I celebrated with my parents, siblings and two aunties and their family. We stayed somewhere in Tanah Rata. So, during that evening, me, my bro, my sister, Aunty Sit Fooi, Uncle John, Jovian, and my dad wanted to walk to Brinchang, which is actually quite far. Haha! While we were about to approach, it began to rain. So, they called my aunty, Aunty Sit Ching and her husband to fetch some of us first. Because the car cannot fit the whole group, only my dad, my sis, Jovian (my cute cousin) went back first thru the car while we continue that short distance to Brinchang. While in Brinchang, my brother suddenly went into the Secret Recipe while my uncle and aunty tried to distract me with other event. Eventually, they bought the cake and hid it into the car before I knew it. Although I suspect they were planning something, I decided to just keep quiet so as not to spoil their surprise. Because my uncle and brother suspect that I already have that in my mind, they told me that they're doing a surprise party for my aunty. So I thought I might have mistaken but I just pretend that i dun realize anything. So they gave me a task, that's to switch off the light while they brought the cake out for my aunty. However I was tired that night, so I fall asleep after our steamboat dinner. Halfway thru 8 something, they suddenly came in with the cake...everything is so blur at that moment for me. They then sang the bday song for me. I was touch in a lot of ways because they eventually decide to buy the cake by walking all the way to Brinchang. I knew that I might not have the best family on Earth but these people are really special to me. I love them and I thank them for their willingness to share this joy with me.

Celebration starts on the 27th....

The first person that asked me for dinner is my brother, my mentor...Liang Hin. He told me he has to celebrate on the 27th because he has to attend a friend's wedding. He fetch me at about 7.30 and we went to Moven Peak. We shared a lot during that 2 hrs and he gave me a "SWATCH" watch. It was nice and I treasure the gift as we've gone thru this journey together for so long...and thank you for the sincerity to be part of my life. A birthday celebration with you is one that I will treasure it. I might be growing into 18 and there are lots of time you told me that I've teach you a lot along this journey but without you being a leader and brother to me, I guess I won't be the Kian Hin I am today. Thank you! You're my best of fren and I wish you all the best in this journey of life.

At 10 o'clock that nite, I have a date with my school frenz in "mamak"...NASMIR. Haha! I didn't eat cause I was full after my dinner with Liang Hin. Those that went are Wai Soon, Sai Mun, William, Keith, Kee Cheong, Shu Xian, Guo Jian, Teik Tzuan, Jyi Choong, Jo Ee, Cheon Yuen....we chat there as they finish their tuition there. It was a simple bday wish and a short time of makan and minum. But it was cool and something beautiful because I knew this frenz are frenz that are there to stay. That are frenz who will be there when there's a need.
I thank you guys for the simple bday wishes...

As I reached home, I spend the nite chatting with most of my frenz....Justine, William, Sai Mun, Kee Cheong, Siew Wei, Carey, Teik Tzuan, Wai Soon, Chun Fai, Keith, Guo Jian, my own brother, Jun Yee, and many others if I left out any...haha!
It was simple chatting and wishes. But guys, the jokes we had, the laughter and crazy rumours we talked about...it allowed me to see how simple being a friend can be and how much sincerity is needed. I eventually ended my chatting at 2 plus...then i went and do an essay for a friend...haha! i only slept at 4...crazy nite!
That nite, the handphone keep vibrating with messages simply wishing a simple HAPPY BDAY and i know how much those meant to me. Ppl like Yook Yarth, Jia Min, Mun Yee, Melissa...i might not be that close to you but those wishes that you greet me I hold dearly in my heart.

WHAT A DAY!
On the actual day which is today, 28th October....haha! I woke up late as I promised to go for jog at 7.30...haha! eventually i was there at 8.30. =P thank God I'm not the latest as Guo Jian was just slightly later than me. Then we jog, chat there with Keith, Guo Jian, Sai Mun, William, Siew Wei, Carey, Hui Ching, Siew Yi(not sure how to spell the name...sorry), Jo Ee, Teik Tzuan, Kee Cheong....then Jo Ee left for family breakfast, Teik Tzuan need to go and pray(gambate! keep up ur faith journey), Hui Ching left...so the rest pergi makan. Haha! Can't imagine that we actually eat until 11.30 plus....crazy breakfast yet an awesome one.
After that I went to William's place...we talked a short while and later went to JJ at 1 as we are to meet up with Jun Yee, Jonathan T, Justine, and Sai Mun. Sai Mun can't make it as he's tired after the morning jog and did not have enough sleep.
So after that we went for McD...at first, we planned for a movie but Jun Yee somehow tak mau...so we decided to just go for makan and probably window shopping. I am glad that Jon brought along his girlfriend. It's a great pleasure to know her. We joke for quite a while and then later, Justine brought along Benita and join us. Haha! Funny...but it was great to have them along. We chatted for a while until William, Jon and his girlfriend have to leave. So me, Jun Yee, Benita and Justine lepak around in JJ. We eventually went for a drink in Secret Recipe after I persuade them to go. Haha! But my stomach is damn full...haha!
At bout 4 we left for church...Jun Yee drop us there and left. Hmm...it'll be great to have some time to go for a football game with ya. =P
The Bible quiz was kinda fun but not too fun. Anyway, I played and tried to keep myself awake as I was damn tired.
After church, I went for dinner with a bunch of close church frenz...Addie, Alicia, Benita, Joash, Nic, Aunty Lindy, Samuel Choo....we makan and chatted until bout 8.30...then we eventually balik...haha! as some of them still got exams to take...haha! i dun have...damn free....
During that dinner, they bought me a funny present...underwear...haha! it's crazy...but it was fun. They wanted me to hold those present while they sing bday song....haha! although it didn't happen in the end...I knew that they might be crazy in doing so, but that in all of it, i see that sincerity to connect with me. I'm happy that you guys are there to celebrate with me.

Throughout the time my frenz makan with me, there are times they asked about my bday wish. Honestly, I have one that I know it will not happen. The first thing i did when i came back was to look thru my mail...hoping to see a birthday wish from someone far away...in Spore. Anyway i knew it's hopeless...impossible basically. A friendship that was so close turn into strangers...how do I put it? Every now and then I wish I can talk to her...see her...and tell her that I love her. The song "Kiss GOODBYE" kept ringing in my ear...as happy as I can because of the great frenz I have, I knew this heart of mine is broken and love...I knew how to give but I dun really know how to feel it anymore.
Even as I wrote this, I look deep in my heart...the joy and happiness being around with frenz and family that are sincere are mix with a feeling of bitterness, coldness, loneliness for not being able to reach my hand to touch and hold the hand of ANGEL.
But as I close this blog on this simple time I spend with my frenz throughout my bday, I realize while the fact that I lost an ANGEL, I've found a more meaningful life with my frenz...no...they're not just my frenz....they're my family. New friends and old friends alike. You guys brought to me an aroma of hope...of love...of what it means to love and to make a difference. Old friends like Sai Mun, William, Jonathan Thong, Kumara, Keith, Jun Yee, Addie, Samuel Choo, Aunty Lindy, Alicia, Amanda, Sara Ong, Benita, Kee Cheong, Cheon Yuen, Jo Ee, Joash, Weng Fai, and many many more...new frenz like Justine, Evon, Sangita, Wai Soon, Siew Wei, Guo Jian, Carey, Jessie, Yook Yarth, Ivan Goh, Jyi Choong, and many many more....
you guys are not just frenz anymore...but a part of my family. Someone that i love and believe in....someone that I hold dear in my heart...i only wish this friendship will continue as long as time will move. It doesn't matter if somewhere deep down inside this heart, the emptiness is there because I've lost a part of me that's important, having you guys in my life is a treasure to me and somehow it fill that gap of brokenness.
I just wanted to say that I love you guys as frenz...and I treated you all as my brothers and sisters...never mind if you are Christians or not, you guys are a family to me.
And that's when I knew my bday wish is for all of you....

Even as I ended this blog, I remembered an old song from the used to be famous tv series...FRIENDS..."I'll be there for you"

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

You're still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.
You've burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.

That, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.
Seems like you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I'll always laugh with, even at my worst, I'm best with you.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

2006-10-27T04:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!
I wish tat my parents will live happily ever after.
I wish tat my brother will be excelling in his work.
I wish tat my sisters will get promotion in their work.
I wish tat my mentor will find meaning in his new journey.
I wish tat my frenz will be excelling in their own journey.
I wish tat those who are love sick will find love in a new meaning.
I wish tat those who are in broken family will learn to be the light in the family.
I wish tat I'll find my angel again.
I wish tat church will be able to be more relevant to the communtiy.
I wish tat there will be more those who will seek God outside the box.
I wish tat together with my frenz, we can create a new world.
A world with hope and meaning.
I wish tat all my dreams will come true today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!
May GOD bless me!
May GOD bless you!
May GOD be real to the world!

2006-10-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.

This is how the movie "CoNSTANtiNE" was ended. Cool...i think it's cool. Haha! A mystery way tat only God knows how it works. And some people just don't like it...esp when it's with mystery...uncertainty...it's so blur and they said it's not from God. Haha! Isn't the finest scientific theory regarding the creation of Earth is still full of uncertainty, what more when it's about God? Hmm...i think the movie Constantine show it in a way that makes me realize that there is something more important than the fundamental truths, that is the heart of God for the people.
Ok...enough of the cool movie...CONSTANTINE...haha!

I jz came back from Cameron...quite an okay trip only as there are some problem. Haha! But it's really great to have time spent with family. Anyway I went thru some places that eventually brought me back to old memories. Sad love story...Hmm...but lately as I sit down and reflect, it's not that bad actually....haha! at least now i got more time to spend with my frenz.
Yesterday, I was chatting with 3 new frenz...haha! and one actually shared bout her own love life. haha! Well, i guess i need to open up my eyes wide and big to see other minor stories around.
ok la...this is a simple updates on my current week...very tired. Need to sleep. Haha!

2006-10-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

People said what goes around comes around...
Newton's third law of motion states tat the action equal to reaction in magnitude but opposite in direction.
Newton's second law of motion states that the rate of change of momentum of a body is directly proportional to the resultant force and it takes place along the direction of the resultant force.
Newton's first law of motions states that a body will remain at rest or move along a straight line with uniform velocity unless it is acted upon by a force.

Today I can hardly agree with all these laws, not literally...=P
Time has stop for me. When I try to search inside my heart for love, I can see that it's so broken. I can see God there but what I wanted was not there anymore. My life stop there. I didn't want to move on I guess.
A dear friend of mine assure me that I'll gain the momentum one day and fly high, beautifully...but I doubted it. I doubted if the law of physics can be applied today. I've given all that I can but the reaction force is next to zero. My heart is broken and my life seems to be like a bouncing ball dropping hard and hitting the floor but no momentum was there...i didn't fly high...i just fall and tat's it.
Haha! My friend told me that God will help me through, providing that force I needed to move on. I wanted to believe that but it's not happening. sigh!
Then suddenly it reminded me of the blackhole theory. Maybe my life now is suck into the blackhole and when one is in a blackhole, the whole physics theory is not applicable any more. At least according to the famous Einstein, in a blackhole, the density is too small, so much so that the law of physics are all broken at this point. And so assuming that my life is in a blackhole, my time has indeed stop. The moment the angel touch my heart, I no longer see the clock moving...my mind kept revisiting the old memories again...and it's like time travel...i keep going back to the same places.
And so maybe that's why no one are capable of time travel in reality because no human beings can stand being in a blackhole...they'll die when they're suck into it.
And so maybe, I'm slowly dying inside...
Well, the physics theory is not working...haha! what will Einstein and Newton said then??
I wonder...what will I said...how will I move on?
Hmm...man are not meant to be in a blackhole...a dear friend of mine said this to me....
My only reply is that probably when one is suck into it, no one else can noe...because they're not there...and so they thought....haha!
Science...life....love....haha! complicated....
Some random thoughts of a man walking in a blackhole...=P

2006-10-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

WE WILL GET THERE!

Remember the days, we set out together with faith?

Remember the times, so fine, when we thought that

Nothing could stand in our way?

Then things weren't the same, the life that we knew had to change

We've struggled through, the darkest storms

We thought we couldn't tame

Together we've tried, as we stood side by side

I knew we'd build a new world

A world of hope for ever after

Chorus:

Deep in my heart I just know

Right from the start, we will grow

Look where we are, we've come so far

And there's still a long, long way to go

With all of my heart, I will care

I'll play my part, I will share

With family and friends, together we'll stand

And in the end, hand in hand

We will get there

So now we begin, working together to win

Believing in trust, it must

Be possible to overcome anything

There's so much to do, there's so much we can contribute

By sharing just a little love

We will start again anew

So why don't we try? If we stand side by side

I know we'll build a new world

A world of hope for ever after

2006-09-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

All that I could only wish....

As much as I wish to close the chapter which lead me into brokenness, the feelings deep down inside this heart is real. And I just wish somehow I can change that. The constant struggle is real...then is it still infatuation? Or is it love? Why isn't there another Christian brother or sister to understand?? Please forgive me for my accuse in any way but I ask for a space to be weak and to be me...
This is a poem that somehow speak of my heart to that someone special...

I thought the loving star should make you feel touched,
I promise to be by your side, decorating a piece of Heaven for you,
I wouldn't allow you to be feeling down,
I'll heal your broken heart,
The weight of your unfulfilled dreams,
I promise to bear it all,
Leading you by the hand,
No matter how strong the wind might be,
The storm can overturn a ship but my love for you will be as strong as the storm itself.

Today if you ever feel like crying,
I promise to let your tears drop on my shoulders,
I want you to believe that my love will brave everything solely for you,
And I'll show you what is love and happiness,
If you have sadness too much to bear,
Leave your heart for me to protect,
The tiredness of yours, I'll chase them away,
Flowery words are only decoration for those who flirt,
And if I'm choosing to be silent, it's because I love you as much as love can speak itself.

Now that you're far away from me,
Not even a word or a message,
I knew that you no longer need this love of mine,
I want you to know that my love will let go off everything for you,
Even if it means to let go off you,
To let you fly away as an angel, as you've always been in my eyes,
But if one day you needed that love once again,
No matter how long that might takes,
I promise to still love you as much as love can speak on its own.

2006-09-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

A good view to reflect on the glory of God...
Somehow it made me think what is it that God look like? How can I make sense of my faith in a community with diversity of thoughts and conviction as well as perspectives? It made me wonder what kind of simplicity is really simple while this God of mine is so complex and mysterious. Well, in all these grey and uncertainty for now, I think I just need to take a good time to relax and look on the beauty of God.
Hmm...I certainly need a community who can be tat encouragement to me...well...what a journey to be in? So full of excitement yet could be very tiring...so full of love yet love in what way?? Haha! Just wanna take time to reflect....

2006-09-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

As today come about an end, I decided to take time to reflect on the heroes for the Sept 11 tragedy. Well, this part of the blog is a tribute to those heroes.

My whole world is falling down
Nine one one, nine one one.
In smoke and debris our loved ones drown
Nine one one, we say.

Husbands, brothers, sons, and dads
Nine one one, nine one one,
Wives and sisters, daughters, moms,
All come to help that day.

Senseless deaths from hate and war,
Nine one one, nine one one,
In our homeland or yonder shore,
When will it go away?

Our children need us to be there,
Nine one, one, nine one, one,
To give them tender love and care
that drives their fears away.

Brave warriors in suits of armor yellow and black,
Answering a call for help without question they go on the attack.

Mounting their powerful steeds of gleaming gold and red,
Of their fears and worries nothing is said.

They race to the battle, an unforgiving demon to slay,
Until the task is complete not one will stray.

Working to exhaustion as their chest's pound,
Into the lair of the beast, insane as it may sound.

To snatch a person from death is the goal and greatest reward,
It's what all the preparation and self sacrifice is geared toward.

They love their country and all their neighbors the same,
It's a vocation that provides little financial profit or gain.

Their mission is simple the American dream to defend,
A life to save, a home to protect, to this they will tend.

WHY??
GRIEF AND SORROW STRUCK THIS NATION
IN AN UNEXPLAINABLE WAY
LEAVING US SURROUNDED BY TEARS AND SORROW
AND ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO SAY

WHY
WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN
WHAT DID WE DO THAT WAS SO WRONG
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE OUR LOVED ONES
HOW DO WE REPLACE WHAT IS GONE

BUT WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY
WE WILL STAND UP AND FIGHT
UNITED WE WILL STAND TOGETHER
FOR WHAT IS TRUE FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

HERO'S ROSE OUT OF THE ASHES
TO SAVE A LIFE WE THOUGHT WAS LOST
NEVER THINKING OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN
NEVER CARING WHAT THE COST

THEY DIDNT DO IT FOR THE GLORY
THEY DIDNT DO IT FOR THE FAME
THEY ONLY DID WHAT THEY KNEW WAS RIGHT
THEY ARE OUR HERO'S THAT HAVE NO NAME

UNITED WE CAN BUILD A BETTER TOMORROW
LET US FINISH WHAT THEY BEGAN TO START
LET US SAY A PRAYER FOR THEM TOGETHER
AND KEEP THEM CLOSE IN OUR HEART

Well, I pray tat those who lost their loved ones because of the Sept 11 tragedy will be able to find meaning by loving the lost and those who needed a hand as well. To all heroes from the Sept 11 attack, you've shown wat's it to be ordinary yet making a difference.

2006-09-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

I don't have all the answers...and maybe it's not about finding all the right answers anyway...

It was funny how friendship can grow...maybe it's the effort that's put into a relationship and the sincerity in it. How I wish I can turn back the clock and knew this bunch of guys earlier yet I knew I wouldn't be who I am today if not of what I'd gone through. Hmm...a friend of mine ask me a question that make me think twice myself before coming to a simple conclusion. Of course I daren't say I have the answer now. A question as simple as this....Can God create a Rock that is bigger than Himself? In another word, can God can make or create something that's greater than Himself?
I didn't want to give so much of answers now...haha! but it really strike me that a non-Christian that's thinking of God, and looking at this Almighty beyond the picture that's presented to him in today's society. No doubt some may look at it as a naive question but I understand that sincerity in seeking God. Because when he asked that question, he don't have an answer...and that's when he's truly seeking. Imagine with me today that if I were to ask a question that I already have a set of answers formed in my mind, is that really seeking or just asking a question that I already have an answer for.
Hmm...somehow deep down inside me, I knew a lot of things have changed. Those who used to be my close friends might find it hard to understand me any more while those who just got to know me will have a long way to know what's really inside this young mind.
I only pray in my small community (a group of us, the minority voices) effort of trying to engage with the world view and church view and look at God as God. Allowing Him to have His mystery, His own way of doing things. Sometimes I do wonder, probably the creation that God created that He loved the most, is somehow greater than Him? Well, I wish to continue to engage in this question, and somehow I knew that it'll lead me to a deeper understanding of God, and probably when I reach there, I'll realize that I've just got to start a whole new journey of understanding God once again. Am I making sense here?
Hmm...probably life itself is a journey of understanding God, living my faith and being sincere....there are just so many questions...and so little answers...if only we are honest with ourselves, then we might realize the answers we have might not even be the answers...
But I must said I'm seeing hope....and hope gives me the strength to continue loving and continue to engage with others' views and the effort to understand others and see how God can connect. And maybe many many years later, I might look back and said, "Well, maybe it's just not about getting all the answers...it's how to make sense of every circumstances, being a blessing and somehow living life...and that way of living might just be the way to live to the fullest." Yet again, I don't have all the answers...none have...it's a journey that only will end the day we meet with our Creator, and hopefully on that day, Jesus will said this to many of us, "Well done! My faithful servant!"

2006-09-07T02:51:00.000-07:00

Today as I look through some of my photos, I knew how much my friends have impacted me and that they mean so so much to me. So I decided to just post some photos here...haha!

when we gather as classmates or brothers around our beloved teacher...

Classmates that I will remember for life...not just any classmates, they're my brothers...

My best of friends...a year pass by but they mean a lot to me still!

My pretty little princess! Love you although you're far apart. Muax!!!

A bunch of new friends...you guys rock! and hopefully this journey together will bring with it memories that last forever...

A leader of mine...my mentor, my brother, my best friend!

What can i said about life after relooking at those photos? Friends are important and that they play an important role in life. it's really not about finding great friends but about being one. No doubt they come in and out of our lives in this journey yet nothing can replace the memories and journey we had together...there are more photos for me to put but I think these are the people, at least at the moment come into my mind....
Well, the greatest gift God gave is Jesus, to die and hung on the cross so tat we as mankind can be drawn back to God, united as a family. And it's our role to learn to love one another daily as we start the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth now that Jesus cleanse us all...love you guys more than words can express...hope to keep growing and learning with you!

2006-09-05T04:48:00.000-07:00

Journey as friends...as we enter into the unknown...

Poem that I read thru in a blog...it's meaningful!

if only
could offer something
a word
a prayer
something to make it
feel better
if only i was
or could be
a better friend
and i would know just what
to say
and when
and how
if i could only tell you that
i know
how strong you are
how amazing you are
how beautiful you are
if i could only tell you that
you will be just fine
that you will make it through
the dark roads
the hard roads
if i could somehow tell you
are a friend
like no other
that i know
you will
shine
be strong
go forward
and you will be
and are like no other
that what happens in this life
sometimes makes no sense
and i wish right now
more than ever
i had words
words that could heal
fix
encourage
but instead
i can only offer you
my hand,
and together we will walk
through this life
together
as friends,
up and down
and through all of the dark roads
the roads we don't understand
and together we will be strong
we will walk this life
and along the way
we will drop notes
catch up
have coffee
we will laugh
and cry
and be angry
we will
and we will be stronger
and i will be here
right here, beside you
in front of you
behind you
reaching my hand out
to help you
to love you
to be strong for you
at that moment
when the road seems to end
or the moment
in which it seems to begin
my hand will be reached out
to grab yours
and together
we will walk down
that road
and venture into
the unknown

2006-09-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

Today I read of a simple yet a beautiful poem written by a Christian in her effort to connect with her community of believers...well, somehow it just touch my heart as I read thru the poem....I decide I wanted it to be on my blog as well...haha! hope it speak to you as much as it does to me.

perhaps

it's impossible
if we don't
think the same
worship the same
to know one another
maybe it is true
our lives
should not cross
i color
outside those lines
you color
inside
and perhaps we should not
attempt to try
anymore
perhaps our world
are too different
mine and yours
i've tried
but i've failed
your ways
i love too
but i'm not there
i'm traveling
to that same destination
but on a different
road
and i wish at times
i could join you
i know what to say
how to act
the words you want to hear
but that
would not be you
and i love you more
than to lie
to you
like that
perhaps we can not
be on this path
together
and perhaps we
will not know one another
till the other side
of all of this
and in the meantime
we walk
and i pray
that one day our
roads will cross
again
but if not
know that i still
loved you
who you are
and what you do
i'm here for you
always
you do not need
to say the right words
or act
a certain way
i am simply here
and it was too much
perhaps
for me to
long for the same
too much
and i hang on
with tears running
down my face
but you are gone
and maybe you always were
and maybe
i so am i

2006-09-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

When you think you know exactly what it takes to know God, probably that's when it's the right time to think again.
I was struck by this person. I was playing guitar and chit chatting with a bunch of youth in the church when she approach me and gave me an unpleasant look. "Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in the Bible class? You should set a good example since you're a Cell Intern yourself." Ish! That was the first thing came across my mind. I tried to argue but I control myself before I really burst out. Anyway that was the story a few weeks ago. I didn't really hate that person for saying that as it was not uncommon to be look differently if you behave differently in church or maybe anywhere else.
After that incident, it really make me wonder as well..."why is it that young people who proclaim to love God not interested in Bible class?" Haha! Well well well, a few reasons can be given...some people just don't like to read...some people are not sincere about knowing God and on and on and on. But maybe it's really a good time for us as Christian to relook at what is it that we're doing all these years...presenting Christ in a text book. Preaching sermons year in and year out. Evangelism...worship session that probably look more or less like a concert...haha! and we said it's for God...oops! I'm being sarcastic here...anyway even if it is, let us really look at what is it that we're doing. We're practicing what we strongly said we're not...religion!
It's undoubtly true that all those things are good for spiritual growth but let us also come to realize that Jesus did not come and start a religious group of meeting. It was probably most of the time a group of people hanging out together, drink wine, chat about life and didn't care about the background of others yet loving them as they are. Hmm...how many times we actually do that??? Oops...did I just mean that the church is wrong again? No No No! If I were to think that way, I don't have to go church anymore...haha!
It's just probably at times that we think we know God enough...that we know what it takes to follow Jesus...so much so that we failed to see that others are shouting as loud as they could..."Hey! It might work for you...it might not work for me! so stop making me grow the way you did. I'm not you."
Well, even as I said this, did I just mean I know enough or know more than others? Of course not....that thought itself show how ignorant and arrogant one could be. No doubt Bible study is good...concert worship is cool and exciting....evangelism is a work that others chose to glorify God...what I'm shouting out loud in this blog is that...everyone is different. And we believe in a God that is BIG, BIG and is not LIMITED by our human perspectives. So, as much as we think we know God and the way to grow, let us not ignore the way that God might prepared other disciples of His.
Hmm...I hope that we would just learn to give some space for others to explore God in a way that make sense to them and who knows, God in His unpredictable ways might make His presence known to others. Hmm...that's it for now...hope this blog make sense to you!

2006-09-01T01:07:00.000-07:00

Painting a picture of love where love is rare never seem to be easy. Getting involve in church ministry gives me the opportunity to share my life with the youth in my church. To be in the School Literacy program is also an open door that teach me to love sincerely. For me in the school CF is also another chance that I have to share what it takes to love. It's also an awesome experience in Form 6 life as I meet new friends that bring in new understanding to me, and share a new journey with me.

New friendship formed...

Those friends make me realize love need to be sincere, sincere in a way that when there's not a need to protect certain principle but to truly just love someone as who he or she is. But even as I grow in this journey I realize sometimes to talk about loving is so much more easier. Sometimes because of that I failed to be loving as I ought to.
Hmm...even as more and more questions enter into this small brain of mine, one question that somehow just struck me when I talked to my sister about accepting homosexuals. I remember reading news about gay bishop now here and then in the newspaper and those conservative Christians in their strong conviction that homosexuality is a sin and it's clearly written in the Bible. I truly stand with that same conviction that the act of homosexual is a sin. But what right do I have to stop someone from serving a community of believers of Christ? I surprise myself by asking this question myself. Didn't the pastor who's not a gay or bisexual also sin? Didn't they get angry at times? Well, probably the argument we can give is that the pastors might sin by scolding someone in their bad mood but they repent of their sins. My question goes further than that...then did he or she continue that same sin once in a while? Well, we might argue that those who are gays sin intentionally in their act of homosexuality and God will be the judge in judgement day. Very well, I agree but didn't the pastors now in Planet Shakers or any megachurches such as City Harvest also sin intentionally at times. When they get angry and scold someone, didn't they do it willingly? Don't tell me that they can't control themselves. After all the only difference between human and other creation is that we can control our response and think rationally. Not only getting angry, some pastors also failed to practice what they preach, love their enermies. So, isn't sin in Christianity is what we called falling short of God's standard and therefore it's literally quite impossible for anyone to be without sin, or did not sin intentionally. So why is it then that homosexuals that become a bishop or pastor receive such condemnation? is there such a thing as a bigger sin or lesser sin? Quite impossible, at least in a Christian point of view. Yet it is the very thing we do, judge and condemn.
Funny how these kind of questions can come out. Haha! Then again, look...Jesus came and sit with the prostitutes and love them even more as He fellowship with them and other sinners. While Jesus spent time with the outcasts, what is it that the leaders of the people in the Old Testament doing? Praying and doing service in what if put in our context today the church. So, did Jesus came and hide in the church or go and mix and be a friend to the sinners?
I knew it's easy for me to just write instead of doing it. Today as I go to school, God continually remind me of the outcasts, people with different perspective of life, people that cannot fit into the group...people that's not so cool. It's indeed humbling to see how far I myself fall from loving the way I'm convicted of.
Yet everytime I failed, I almost see that figure of Jesus on the cross telling me that He died so that all may come, and be part of His family. His Kingdom begin now....AMEN!

2006-08-30T00:53:00.000-07:00

Oops...I can't wait til my exam over lah. Haha! What to do...still a long way. Anyway it was a tough weeks for me to go through times thinking over relationship issue but in this blog, I'm bringing this chapter to an end. For me to close this chapter is not an easy way but to truly humble myself and said that I don't know what it takes to start this story. Well, maybe it is good that I close it while it is still in the introduction part then to develop it into a point where it hurts much much more. To move on is no longer about forgetting about someone you love anymore but it is despite the feelings you have, you knew that it's not going to work.
Well, a love story cannot be started with just one person wanting it. I think it's still the same as I used to say...life is about choices. And it doesn't matter if it's the right choice or a wrong choice but it's how you grow and engage with the outcome of each choices. I think I need to be responsible in making my choices. Life is not just about me alone but to see the whole picture...to look through the lives of others and be part of it. So it's time that I really move on, closing this chapter, keeping whatever that is written and gone through as memories, memories that will bring a smile to me once a while.
Maybe it is too selfish to be just thinking about me and my life. Maybe when everyone learn to give a lil space for one another and then the world might somehow be a better place. I must said I learn through this experience what it means to be rejected and it takes me to humble myself and said that there are more things to learn. I have a friend that asked me this question..."How did you get over it so easily?" Does it look easy? Well, maybe people will think that it's infatuation. Some will said that because I'm strong but the fact is that it's never easy. And it's painful although many see big smile on my face. Yes no doubt those smiles are real but it's not because this feelings are not causing me any pain but it's because I've seen a greater and better reason to rejoice and live. Well, to my Christian brothers and sisters, it's true that God is good to me and is faithful and that's why I can still smile but it's not because Christianity has any source of magic. But it's when Christ came and show me the reason to live. To love His friends, people around Him. And for me to see what a magnificent friendship I've found is indeed a blessing beyond imagination. Seeing my friends in school give me another reason to live with meaning each day. To have a journey with those around me is what gives meaning and the reality of the love of this Creator to me.
As I grow each day into an adulthood where everyone said the world out there is cruel and corrupted, I'm seeing hope and light here and there because it's when we sincerely love the world and the people that we are able to make a better world for us and for one another.
I remember I started this blog which one part is on the song Heal the World. Maybe it's time for us to think on what we mean to make this world a better place. Probably all it takes is for us to learn to give some space daily.
If there are anyone that think that religion can make one closer to God, let me tell you that it's not. It's relationship with people that will in some ways draw us closer to God. No doubt Christianity talks about relationship with God but a relationship with God based on a certain rules or conditions are religion still. Let us come to learn to say I dunno the whole true meaning and truth that Jesus came to bring about but it's a journey that we learn daily as we write this story together with our friends and family.
Well, again, am I making sense to you? Am I at the right path? Well, maybe it's not about getting it all right at the end anyway??

2006-08-25T01:03:00.000-07:00

As I learn a new song...or maybe an old song...haha! Moffats, I miss you like Crazy...i felt so much in touch with the song as I gone through a time that look so familiar as it is. It's a beautiful lyrics...so I intend to add it into my blog...well, enjoy it, k!

I used to call you my girl,
I used to call you my friend,
I used to call you my love,
The love that I never had,

When I think of you,
I don't know what to do,
When will I see you again....

I miss you like crazy,
Even more than words can say
I miss you like crazy,
Every minute and every day,
Girl I'm so down,
When your love's not around,
I miss you, miss you, miss you...
I miss you like crazy!

You're all that I want,
You're all that I need,
Can't you see how I feel,
Can't you see my pain's so real

Even as much as I miss someone meaningful to me, I thank God for giving me great friends that have come along this journey and be an inspiration. Sometimes I might be too busy and caught up with my own journey...I remember me telling a great friend of mine that love is a choice. Even that deep part feelings of his is very much determined by him. Today I realize that I've chosen to love someone and love it with all my heart. It's painful and very hurtful at times. But at the same time it's my choice to love those around me, my friends...my brothers...those people that come along this journey and share parts and parcels of their lives with me. So, it doesn't matter if I miss her like crazy because yes, I might be crazy for her...I'm crazy for my friends even more. Ok la for now...there will not be much new posting until after my examination. Wanna focus on studies for now. Hope that this journey I shared with those that read this blog bring much meaning into life.

2006-08-23T04:38:00.000-07:00

An angel come and touched my heart...

There are moments when you think of someone special and you just feel like putting it into words. The feeling of missing someone whom one cannot see is unbearable. Not only that...but not hearing a word for such a long time seems to be killing me.
I met an Angel that touched my heart...and now she took it away with her. Sometimes I wonder how can I really move on. For me to look into the inbox hoping to see her name written on it is crazy. I wonder at every moment if she miss me the way I do to her. People said that time alone will heal as it pass but each passing moment is telling me that I need her more.
I took some time listening to some love song and I pray that those are words that she will hear from me. Somewhere in NTU, I pray for all the best in everything she do.
Well, you came into my life and touched my heart and now you took it away from me.
I hope to say more things but everything seem so unclear now. I wonder if she thought the same about me now....I wonder...

She's pretty...I know...don't be jealous! Haha!

We do look like a match, don't we?

Well, I still remember one time when I was out with her to get her new MyKad, there was this

Malay guy sitting at the back of us while we all wait for our turn to get. We made a bet and decided to ask this Malay guy who looks older...and guess what the outcome is....haha! Well, I bet this Malay guy is wondering...."what a funny couple?" though we are not. Nevertheless I wonder if one day I can said..."we are indeed a funny couple" Well, I really do miss you and in no better way can I said how much you mean to me but to put into writings this blog as it's one best way I can express myself.

She's cute rite when she's serious...haha!

Well, I'm sure it'll took me some time to recover from this. Moments we have together are fresh in my thoughts. And those I'll take as an inspiration to move on. Hopefully some day in the future, somewhere a beautiful story can blossom. After all, I don't get to see ANGEL all the time.

2006-08-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

"When someone falls to his death, it is not the person's failure in life. It is the society's failure to listen to him"

I saw these as I read the Star newspaper today and I wonder how far I have failed on my own to listen to those around me. Funny how the expectation of life from the society and people around us. Those who are different will be looked in a different way. This also reminds me of the school drama my school had this year, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Seriously speaking the drama was awesome compare to many years I think. Haha! Well, one part of the drama where Esmeralda mentioned, "What do they have against people who are different anyway?" As I relook at my life, there are many times that I look at people who are different in a negative sense. Just because someone behave in a CC manner doesn't mean that person doesn't fit into the community. I wonder what kind of community Jesus came to bring about.
As I took time to reflect on my own life, I realize that to a certain extend I myself have failed to accept people who are different and probably are at the "outcast" community. To be honest with myself on this issue will be humbling yet one experience that will challenge me to be sincere and faithful to this story that Jesus came for.
I knew it is almost impossible to be accepting and loving to everyone yet it is possible to learn to build a community of believers that love and accept one another and that it is a journey where we learn more day after day.
Along this journey, a great bunch of friends have made a great impact in my life...Liang Hin, William, Sai Mun, Sara, Addie, Angeline, Gary, Alicia Yap, Amanda, Samuel Choo, Kee Cheong, Lyn Yee, Jessie, Keith, Chee Lupp, Jun Yee, Guo Jian, Kumara and many many more. All with their different perspectives and views about life, challenging me to see this journey beyond a Christian community as well as the need to be truly honest and sincere about being a friend.

For any Christians it is extra normal to believe that only those who believe in Jesus will go to Heaven. But what is believing in Jesus really mean anyway? Does it mean we just pray a sinners' prayer and enter Heaven? It will be humbling to say I knew the answers yet let us learn to embrace the uncertainty in life and look beyond going into Heaven. After all even Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven is now. Let us learn to live in this world where corruption and wickedness are everywhere yet not following in those ways but by being a friend, lending a hand to those who are in need, giving a listening ear to those who longs for one, and like Jesus, sitting with the outcasts, eating with them, and making a difference in their lives.

I can't said I am who I am today if not of the friends I made and the love that was shown to me.
Well, it is also a challenge for me to learn to be a better friend everyday. Thanks friends for being who you guys really are. No matter how different our views can be, this friendship I hold dearly in my heart for sure.

2006-08-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ru Guo Ni HAI AI WO...if you still love me....

If you still love me,
You wouldn't treat me so coldly,
How can you let me pace back and forth alone in the endless night,
If you still love me,
You would have tell me you do love me,
I can only hold back my tears,
And silently leave...
Wondering if it is destiny that we are apart.

2006-08-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

Friends that come along...

It's funny how it all started when I met these new bunch of guys in church that we get along very well and eventually became good friends. After years together going through struggles and achievements most of us departed and continue on in our own journey, having to say goodbye to some and welcome others who come along.
Today as I sit here typing, a new group of friends I found in school that really make my life anew. Christians or not, these people are people that try to make sense with their daily lives and I can almost certain to say, they are great friends to hang around. Through this friendship I began to see God in a real sense and understand what is it to share my faith in a way that make sense to them. Having the time to share about some of the things in life though not all and the laughter we had and how I try to make sense to those who are not welcomed in the group (outcast) I can almost said that God is leading me step by step.
I remember there was once my mentor shared with me about life experience. To him, life is about going through a journey and we welcome new friends along the way in this journey. Those friends of ours that need to walk another path we bid farewell and leave with memories beautiful enough to inspire us to make a difference in life. Along the way, those who felt the same conviction to do certain things join in and walk this journey with us and as we allowed God to use those moments to share that love of His and in trying to make a better world, we share lives and be part of one another's journey.
Today for me, life is about a journey and I welcome those friends of mine to join in this journey together making this world a better place to live in. And in the long run, seeing the beautiful memories grow into an inspiration to many.

2006-08-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

COMMITMENT...something to learn everyday

Have you ever fall in love? When all that matter in this world is that someone that hold a special place in your heart. When you lose everything yet having that person with you mean more than winning the whole wide world.
Many young people today gone through this stage and it is one of the most exciting moment in any person's life. An idealistic relationship is what I always had in mind. But reality might just turn things upside down. Today many people no longer believe in love that last for life but as I wake up daily today, I knew love is something you work towards.

If there's anyone that I want to say...I LOVE YOU...it's to my angel and that it is for life. Though you might be far apart from me, each moment that I think of you bring fresh memory. A taste of love like no other.
As naive as I was, I learn and grow and seek for a love that truly mean something to me. I might have told you that my feelings might change as well but you truly change my life. A friendship that turn me to seek to love and not be loved. Everyday might be a painful moment not to have you with me but I knew that love is something I work towards and that is when fate take second place. Looking around, seeing my friends sharing about their love stories make me felt the need to go through the journey with them that they might see beautiful results out of that relationship yet I wonder when will ours start...

A struggle that I must come to acknowledge...I love you the way you are...you might have change everyday but this commitment I want to make with you burn deep inside me daily. I hope to be the Prince Charming of yours and that as much as you are my Angel, I pray that I'll be your Angel as well.

When you cried, I hope to be there for you...when there's loneliness I prayed that my smses and emails will fill in that emptiness. When you need love, I hope I can give that to you...

This commitment that I made seem so stupid but I wonder if you will see this...all that I have done for you...and all that I would have do it for you.
This commitment is one that I need to learn everyday as I make sense of my faith in God. A journey that requires giving and dying to self...
I hope that

one day that I start this story with you, you'll see that it's true that I love you.

2006-08-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

As I sit down and listen to some Christian songs, after stopping for quite a while, haha! The feelings are different. Somehow the songs that I listen to change a lot...from all about feeling cool into songs that teach me to live my faith sincerely and honestly.
Anyway just wanna share a lyrics from a song...very interesting indeed. Anyway the band that sing this song is CASTING CROWNS. Anyway the title for the song is IF WE ARE THE BODY. I prayed that as others read this blog, this lyrics will speak to others as much as it did to me. Well, maybe it's time to reflect on what it really mean to be the BODY OF CHRIST.

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

CHORUS
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgemental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road

CHORUS
But if we are the Body
Why arent His arms reaching
Why arent His hands healing
Why arent His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why arent His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ

Chorus (2x)
If we are the body
Why arent His arms reaching
Why arent His hands healing
Why arent His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why arent His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus is the way

2006-08-04T02:35:00.000-07:00

TO DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM...

As I struggle through this journey learning to know what Jesus came to teach about making a difference, in a sincere way...learning to love the WORLD as it is, this song came into my mind.
A song that inspire great man to go the second mile for others and I prayed that this song will inspire many more to rise from where they are to see the heart of God for this world, that somehow
we might make a difference by bringing forth love and hope in this world that seem to be fading off slowly.

To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow,
To run where the brave dare not run,
To right the unrightable wrong,
To love pure and chaste from afar,
To try when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star...

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right without question or pause,
To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY CAUSE,
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable star...

Maybe to make this world a better place is an impossible dream for now but let us not give up on the WORLD just as Jesus never give up on us and His disciples no matter how far we might fall. Today as many look into Heaven coming back again, I look at what it means to enter Hell for a HEAVENLY cause...let us not be caught up with all the glorious promises that Christ promise us when HE came back that we forgot He also said that the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN is here...right here on EARTH...AMEN!

2006-07-25T03:52:00.000-07:00

THE PARADOX IN CHRISTIANITY...

Christian belief for many people is a paradox and a huge puzzle waiting to be solved. The pastor tells us on Sunday that struggle and hardship are part of the Christian growth experience but then on the other hand, we have evangelist or some other pastors that untold wealth is waiting for us if we have enough faith to believe. Blessing is meant for the children of God. We read books and articles on the end times, telling us that the latest world crisis is proof that we are heading into the "end times" which will bring suffering and persecution while the time for Christ to come back draw closer daily. But the very next week, a REVIVAL CONCERT is held in the church and that thousands will come to know Christ. Message on the church going all way out into the ends of the world to share Christ as the world awaits the Second coming of Christ.
We are told many times by our leaders and pastors that God is LOVE but no one mention on how this teaching coheres with the reality of those whom we know, love and respect but who don't know Jesus as their Lord and Saviour and so, we have our preachers telling us that unless they accept Jesus, they're bound for eternal torment in Hell.
Love? Is that love anyway?
What kind of love can this be if the judgement were for eternal torment in Hell. Even the murderers in our society were to be hanged once. And that is because our society were struggling to define love anyway.
Therefore the paradox never seem to end.

As I wrote this blog of mine once again, I knew it's time to search deep inside my heart and once again, asking God what it means to be a light despite of all the paradox and question marks around. This journey seem to be a bit cloudy and it's a bit difficult to grasp the light of God.
Yet as I looked at the God I believe in, He came down from Heaven where the glorious Light of His own shines around into a gloomy world, full of confusion and darkness.
For Him to do that is like me tearing down my old perspectives of Christianity and enter into this new phase where the light that lead me is so dim and barely able for me to grasp hold of it. And in doing so, I might probably learn what it means to be a light and hope for the world.

2006-07-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

wHen tHere wAs Me n U

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

2006-04-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

When no one understand what you are going through...

It wasn't a smooth sailing all the time. When I came to a point where no one understand what is in my heart...yes, people come and try to relate but it doesn't work for me. The gospel you believing may be so cool and awesome for you but it's not for me. At least not the way you present it.
Remember, you are also a Christian yourself.
I am taking this tag off...i might not be a Christian but I love God. I love Jesus. I cannot believe in Christianity because it's just so different from what Jesus came for.

God, you came as a human being, so broken...coming in a dramatic way for us to tear down the religion being set in the Jewish culture. Today, we make a new religion...and we called it a relationship with you...Christianity. What if you don't come to make a new system?

I am at a crossroad...I don't have all the answers. I dunno if I'm at the right path or not but there must be more. No one may understand at this moment. A painful and lonely process yet one that I know will come with a meaningful ending. People asked...what if you ended up in hell? Then at least I live a life full of meaning. A passion for people...loving them in a different way.

I receive a beautiful msg from a friend...

When there is nothing to maintain, to protect or to impart,
that's when I sincerely love others.

It could be a journey where not much people understand...it could be evil to some people but a journey only worth taking the risk when You are there.

Well, if you are feeling the same way, just want you to know that when no one understand what you are going through, Jesus did...because He felt the same way on the cross...
Maybe there's a new meaning in taking up the cross and following Jesus!

2006-01-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

Soren Kierkegaard held that we must continually define ourselves by our choices.

A friend of mine posted a very beautiful comment about choices, and I just wanna say thank you.
Today as I check my mailbox, I came across an e-mail from a friend. Not really a friend but someone that I just got to know. Here's part of the mail that she sent to me:

i have made mistakes, i admit, horrible mistakes in fact. that incident would be something that haunts me forever. no matter how successful or unsuccessful i become in future, that incident will always be there, remind me of how stupid and naive i was. but it doesn't matter. i believe that God could have stopped it from happening, but i'm glad that He allowed it. i have improved from that incident. i have learned a lot.
********

let me ask u a question : if u can turn back time, would u change any decisions or actions that u have made? or would u do something that u didn't do before?

many would say that they would want to change this change that, but for me, I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING.................i do not want a single thing to change, because without all the mistakes that i have made, i would not become the person i am today, who is a BETTER person than i used to be.

********

i have bad reputation, i have my dark past. so what?

i try not to forget my past, no matter how dark and bad it is. i learn from my past. if i forget it, i learn nothing.

my friends always tell me to forget bout it. maybe u would too. but no, i will let the past teach me. i will let the past remind me. people who don't remember the history are bound to repeat the history. doesn't our Sejarah text book teach us something like that? ^^

So, does it always have to be making the right choices? What is the right choices anyway? How do I define myself with the choices that I'd made?

There can be a positive outcome (something that I wish for) or the other way round but the process in making the choices and seeing the outcome can be far more beautiful. There are just so many things in life that is painful...can I avoid all the painful mistakes that I'm gonna make?

I wonder...

Am I making sense again? I'm not sure.

2006-01-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

MICHAEL JACKSON wrote a song that speak to the world...and how much we really need to change for a BETTER WORLD!

There’s a place in
Your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could
Be much
Brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You’ll find there’s no need
To cry
In this place you’ll feel
There’s no hurt or sorrow

There are ways
To get there
If you care enough
For the living
Make a little space
Make a better place...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

If you want to know why
There’s a love that
Cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares for
Joyful giving
If we try
We shall see
In this bliss
We cannot feel
Fear or dread
We stop existing and
Start living

Then it feels that always
Love’s enough for
Us growing
So make a better world
Make a better world...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

And the dream we were
Conceived in
Will reveal a joyful face
And the world we
Once believed in
Will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep
Strangling life
Wound this earth
Crucify it’s soul
Though it’s plain to see
This world is heavenly
Be god’s glow

We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart
I feel you are all
My brothers
Create a world with
No fear
Together we cry
Happy tears
See the nations turn
Their swords
Into plowshares

We could really get there
If you cared enough
For the living
Make a little space
To make a better place...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me
You and for me

2006-01-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

Betrayal...how do you respond to that??

What is more painful than to know that your friend actually betrayed you? I don't know how to respond to that. Haha! Not just that it's bcoz your secrets leak out but more than that. Erm...put it this way, your friend took away what actually belong to you. Or more likely your friend took away what seem to be yours...and all this while, he seem to be helping you to get it.
Well, that's what happen to me.
Realizing that really turn me off and all I heard was a thousand times of apology.

It really reminds me of all the usual drama in television series, where there are this royal family. And the supposedly son that was to be king being betrayed by some "uncles" that seem to be helping him to the throne. And half way thru, the son was being betrayed and have to run away and seek REVENGE that kind of thing. Haha!

I felt so much like the fallen king that seek to REVENGE.
It really hurt me...and deep into my heart. But as I was struggling thru my feelings, there's another story that came into my mind.

The night when Jesus was betrayed, Judas kissed Him. And I was wondering how 'disgusted' Jesus must have felt. But looking and reading thru the Bible again, I could almost hear Jesus trying to reconcile with Judas, telling him I STILL LOVE YOU. And far more than that, the other disciples all flee like "chicks" instead of going through the trials with Jesus. But when Jesus was resurrected, the first thing He remembered was to really bring His disciples back.

What a LOVE that we are seeing here...one that is full of GRACE, FORGIVING and willing to ACCEPT those that betray.

JESUS just never seem to stop LOVING.

And at that moment, I can almost find myself speechless.
This song just came into my mind...

LOVE SO AMAZING SO DIVINE!

God, teach me indeed to LOVE as you LOVE! All the revenge thing...well, I can't said things will be the same between me and my friend. But GOD IS REAL and if I can't even love the people I can see, how can I love GOD?

2006-01-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

WHO'S in the COOLER PLACE??

I started today by reading a book. It's about a text on which Jesus said that many who are seen as last in this world will be seen first in the world to come, and many who are first here will be last there.
But then I remember the many messages I heard in churches as well as CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP meeting. Some pastor jz put it in this way in describing Christian and non-Christian,
At the end of the day, who will be in the cooler place?
Honestly, I was disgusted by messages like this. But after reading the book today, I felt so much that God want us to know.

Who am I to prognosticate the eternal destinies of other people? Am I so sure that I'll be in the cooler place?

I wonder if the pastor realize what he's talking about or he jz wanna make his msg look interesting to Christians. But again , who am I to judge? I quickly go b4 God in repentance.

Reading this also remind me of a story I read b4 by C. S. Lewis.

A soldier has gone through something analogous to the doorway of death. This soldier has served a false god named Tash all his life, and he comes upon a great Lion named Aslan, who represents Christ.

In a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great lion. The speed of him was like the ostrich, and his size was an elephant's; his hair was like pure gold and the brightness of his eyes, like gold that is liquid in the furnace....In beauty he surpassed all that is in the world, even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honor) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be [king] of the world and live and not have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord I am no son of Thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reason of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, "Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one?" The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not bcoz he and I are one, but bcoz we are opposites. I take to me the services which thou hast done to him, for I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deeds accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yes I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.

So, who's in the cooler place anyway??? Well, I don't have the answers...but like that soldier, let's start this BRAND NEW YEAR seeking after the wonderful mystery of GOD.