Monday, March 12, 2007

The conversation about God continued...we talked and half debated on the topic God. I was tired so we decided to stop. The next day I wrote an email to her. She replied me. It was a quick reply. I guess we were both eager to talk to one another. Well, we planned for a jogging the next day with the rest of our friends. We jogged together while our friends were on their own. We talked and I laughed at her for not having that stamina to run like I could. Some other outings we had...a trip to Kledang Hill with her Singapore friends. The previous night we went to Sidewalk for ice-cream and only reached home at about 12.00 midnight. My mom scolded me for going out early in the morning the next day with my friends again but I couldn't bother much. Her friends from Singapore were here and I wanted to get to know them as well. We were up early but then we were lost. Have to asked direction from people early in the morning. With both of our common friends fetched me while she with her Singapore friends in another car, I had to get out from the car quite a number of times to ask for direction. While we were up the hill, we talked a lot, with her friends as well. I had to slow down my pace quietly so that I would be in the same pace with the rest though I was not used to it. I looked at her quite often. While on the way down the hill, we talked and she mentioned about going for a conference. She invited me along but I couldn't because I knew my family wouldn't want me to waste money to go Singapore. One time while I went back to school for CF, I called her after I realized there isn't any CF meeting that day. She fetched me from school. We went for makan. I looked at her and wonder where can I find another girl like her. Such a beautiful friend. Then there were times we went for basketball game. She wanted me to teach her. I borrowed her my basketball although she hardly played. One time, she wanted me to take the MyKad with her. We went and eventually got lost and went to Kuala Kangsar. We spent the time in the car talking and laughing. Looking at her, there isn't anything else for me to worry about. One other time, she has to fetch the sister. I tag along.
But then that was like about a year ago. Time really flies. It's been about 10 months since I even had a word or a message from her. I was not her friend anymore. I guess I was just someone else in the past for her.
Everyday I woke up convincing myself that I'll forget about her. But deep down inside me, I knew I wouldn't wanna forget about her, not a single bit at all.
My first sight of her was in a restaurant in Jusco. Everytime I walked past that place, I wonder if I would just bump into her again but it was mere dream.
I recalled the first impression about her. Arrogant and stupid...maybe too autocratic as well. I wonder how come I badly fall into her now.
I tried to look for someone else that I could love, hopefully I could love that someone more. But then I realized deep in my heart, I carried a past with me that's too heavy...too much to let go.
Looking at her photos in her friendster, I wonder if she had find someone else better than me.
I was naive. I was immature. People told me that she just flirt around but to me, she was the one woman I would give my life to.
Thinking about the jokes we had, the arguments, the time we played guitar, the time we chatted on the phone, the time she came my house and just be with me, the time she would smsed me and told me how much she missed her dad and how much I wish I could helped her to see a love that is real at that time, the smile on her beautiful that not even Angel can be compared with. Typing this blog...I wonder how is she now? Is she asleep? Did she get any better in her health? How is the image of God look like for her now? Did she ever looked at my friendster profile and wished to be able to erase this pain from me?
I felt my heart is cold, empty, alone and painful. There is a scar inside it. It seem to have heal but it hurts once in a while and that pain is indescribable. I closed my eyes to sleep and I see images of her once in a while. I remembered there was once I cried in my dream. I looked into my Bible and hopefully seeing some promises or assurance that God is going to open doors for this relationship but I only heard convincing words from my fellow friends to let go off her and that there are better woman out there.
I looked away from my Bible, prayed and hopefully a magic happen but a long silence is what I heard. I cried alone and wonder if there were going to be another way to erase this memory. What was it that will helped me move on?
I asked God for guidance but I realized the choice is within me. And this memory is too important for me to erase it. I tried to put these words into my blog and hopefully someone will come along and give me a solution that really will work.
I listened to some songs and I could heard the silently background of those music, there is another music. A music that is so bitter. That is so lonely...pleading for a chance from God to turn the table around. That music is also accompanied by a very beautiful memory. What a paradox is this? That music is of such beauty that as if Angels are singing it yet there were also a deep sorrow in it, a pain that is reflected in those memory and now.
I cried out...."God, where is that Angel? Is she an Angel of death or of life or is she both?" What is this that I'm asking? and then there were the picture of the Cross in all of these that I'm seeing...Jesus said, "it's ok. That pain is not too much to bear if u realize i'm going thru it with u. there's not a need to change like what ur friends have said. Leave that memory there. Learn to make sense of ur life by pulling others who are down up again. Remember that when I was on Earth I didn't forget all the memories I had with my disciples that betrayed me. Not even now. and i didn't forget about you."

No greater love than this...that a man lay down his life for a friend.
I sat here in awe...only finding one sentence to say..."I love you"
I'm not sure when I tried to utter those words, it's for God or for her but I knew it's not a selfish love that God is asking from me.
Living life to the full might not always be winning and getting the best all the time. Sometimes it could be giving the best...laying it down.
At least that's what Jesus did...laying down His life in a practical way.
Well, it's getting late and I just wanna said in this little space of mine:

If we love somebody we could be this strong,
Strong enough to lose,
Strong enough to be weak,
Such is the paradox of love,
And because of this,
This love, I'll keep in my heart,
Allowing the memory in me to sink in slowly,
And if that day would come,
A new story would be written then...


allie said...

heyx.. haven been here for quite a while already..

niwei i'll drop a comment thou its edi exactly one week ago..somehow i sense ur pain and ur hurt too when i read it.. well let's just say, i've been thru the same thing. yes, not once but may times.. i used to wonder why all these happened to me..

i started to lose alot of my friends..mostly guyfriends. then one day, this question popeed in my head.."why do i keep losing my guyfriends?'

then i asked God.. and He told me somethign that changed my life i na way..He said' dun u see?? dun u see what i've been doing in ur life?? those guys come and go as they like but I your God and Father will never ever forsake you no matter how much you had forsaken me when you are with them'

yea, i was deeply convicted then.. then i realized that yes, a guy's love is good but it's not essential. i can live without it.

so cheer-ioz!!
take care..
God Bless~

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